127

so these past 3 days i've been dieting so hard. i went to the gym yesterday and i did not over eat at all.. but i'm only 127 :( if i'm not 125 by saturday morning i'm gonna punch a mirror or something violent like that.

gah

i used to think i could lose a ton of weight in a short amount of time. i guess my max is only 5 lbs.. well maybe in another 3-4 days ill lose another 5 lbs. I HOPE

i'm gonna redo my blog when i get home. i'm tired of how plain it looks.

and as for todays plans for my diet, i'm just gonna keep doing what i've been doing. fiber drink in morn, water at lunch, fiber drink when i get home, soup for dinner; or maybe some of dinner depending on what it is.

fasting for the love of Thin.

so im fasting today and there's only about 5 more hours left of the day. i feel pretty good so far, and yes, hungry.

i'm not sure if im gonna fast tomorrow, it was not the plan but i realized today in the shower that if i really wanna have the body i want, i must kick my ass in gear. if i was be in the low 120s by Christmas (my bday as well), i gotta work it. if i wanna be under 120 by Softball season (i want the other girls to be jealous like how i was), i have to work even harder. and if i want to be 110 or less by summer, oh my gosh i have to work.

yesterday i was 130. by tomorrow i hope im 128 or 127. if im not i will fast again. in fact i might fast till im 125 or 124. gosh its going to be hard, especially since my dad ate all my protein mix. :'(

also today i realized that i'm not as good of a person as i thought i was. i went to confession and to remember most of my sins i had to write them down. there wasn't alot but they were kinda bad, or at least i was ashamed of them :( and in the end i forgot about a sin so i felt guilty about that all day. and then i ended up lieing a few times later and iwas mad at myself for not even staying "sin free" for like an hour. geez.

size wise i can "fit" into a size 1. not comfy and i can't really sit. meh. i know i have to be under 113 to fit in my favorite pair of jeans, Hollister size 1. Those jeans are my white whale, and i need to conquer them.

i hope i can do it. actually i know i can do it.

much needed thinspo

:(

idk whats up with me.
i don't know what i want; well actually i know what i want i just cant have it and this very moment.
i want my car from my gramma right now, not whenever she decides to actually give it to me. i want to be fucking skinny {don't we all?}. i want summer to be here so i go on my vacation and when i come back i'll have my job {another excuse to get out of my kitchen}. i want money to 'enjoy myself' with substances that may or may not be psychedelic.

abc is not working for me. idk why but it just ain't. excuse my grammar, please. i need to adopt regular fasting into my life. im going to start doing it every monday, starting this monday. i can't worry about calories anymore, i'm too care free these days. i need to prepare "snacks" and "meals" so that i can just grab them, eat them, and feel like i don't need to eat more. bananas, water, sprouted lentils, rice cakes, more water, home made veggie soup if needed. yup thats the plan. so fuck off abc diet.

i'm seeing my friend tomorrow. we are like ana buddies except she doesn't have an ed, or atleast i don't think she does. we went to grade school together and i'm going to her dads bday party tomorrow, 2-6. it should be fun, but i know what she's gonna ask, "were you good yesterday?", "how's your diet?". shit like that. and of course i'm going to be honest and say "no i was not. dieting is not the only thing on my mind right now. i have other concerns like my addiction problems and school work." i can't be perfect......

i need some sort of diet pill or some shit like that to help jump start my loss. no $$$$

i'll try to post more.

abc 123

the first 3 days of abc were okay. i can see a difference in my tummy :)

today is 300 and i already ate my max :/ fuck me

i'll comment on everyones blog when i get home for school

hello

a recap:

2 weeks before my surgery i ate completely raw. my weight was 126.5.
1 week before surgery i binged and binged. my weight is 132.

present day:
Sunday.

i had surgery a few days ago. the lack of desire to eat from my Vicodin has been setting in. i can't really finish what i have on my plate.

I can feel my self becoming addicted to these pills again. i don't like having to take them. when i do take them i feel "mentally challenger". fuck it, i feel retarded when i have a Vicodin. it puts a dunce cap over my brain and i can't function.


I've been wanting to come back to you all for quite some time now. i miss blogging, i miss weighing in. i miss having control. BLAH BLAH BLAH i miss being skinny.

i wanna do the abc, but everyone seem to fail that. i've tried it, i've failed it. i've failed it hard.

all i know is that i have to diet. i need to be the trophy girlfriend. i need to be that beautiful girl i used to be. and damn it, when i go on vacation this summer coming up i dont wanna feel self conscious.

i'm dying my hair lighter too. i wanna be the light airy little swedish girl i'm supposed to be. i don't like my hair dark. it makes me feel ugly.

update

things are still busy. i dropped 5lbs in the past 2 days. this morning i was 127.. i binged this morning after the gym. :/

anyway im getting surgery on november 11th.

this will be a good week

new diet

breakfast: apple or grape fruit (on the weekends) or a protein drink
lunch: grapefruit (weekends) weekdays- orange juice
dinner: cooked veggies or veggie soup or small amount of fish or protein drink


hopefully i can post more. i dont think i can tomorrow because of the funeral. thursday i might be able to check back because i'm not going to the school that day. i'll try to check up on everyone soon. good luck

sorrry ive been gone. alot of drama has been going on
cousin died
b drama
funeral and wake this weekend
dress shopping later
psats on wed
doctors on thursday
polyp in my nose
tummy aches

:/

ill try to post more

ok ok the REAL first day of fasting

idk but i decided not to fast yesterday. i saved it for today, and boy do i really neeed it. my school skirt is pretty tight.

so day 1 will include of probably an energy drink, then some protein shakes, and lots of water. it should go well. i hope :x

fast day 1

its 7:10 and almost time to go to church.
then i'm going to the gym.
then cleaning job.

anyway i'm fasting today i'll post again later. gotta feed the kitty cats because my mom "has a white outfit on" and she can't do it herself. >:(

morning post

i found sometime to post this morning, hooorah.

my emotions are all up in a knot these past few weeks. its because of my guy friend, B, and my boyfriend. whenever i go to B's house my bf gets very jealous and upset, which makes me feel guilty for going there. but B is one of my bestfriends. that's not the only thing though, B is in love with me. "I love you so much. you make me feel like no other girl has made me feel before. i never loved any other girl like how i love you. i miss you so much, when i think about you my heart feels fuzzy." and i'll i can muster up for the kid is an "i miss you too."

and then somehow if he isn't happy i blame myself for that then i feel like a crap friend. And guilt, sorrow, and anger keep building up more and more inside of me and idk how to just let it go. This morning i woke up to a text from B saying "i guess you feel asleep, i love you. text me in the morning if you want to." UGH i spent my whole morning deciding if i wanted to talk to him before i went to school or not. i didn't really want to but i know he'd get kinda down if i didn't...

i've told B that i love him, but not in the way that he loves me. and i did explain it all to him. but i don't wanna break his heart. too many girls have done that. and it must hurt to see someone you love with someone else.
_______________________________________

yesterday i had a cup of raisins mixed with nuts for lunch. after i got home i had some cereal and a bowl of rice.
today i think i'll have just a drink for lunch, protein drink when i get home, after the gym i might have a small portion of dinner.

i'm trying to make the effort.

i just don't know what to do

i never have time to blog with all my school work/house chores/studying/gym/friends. Saturday i literally had no time to myself except for when i was sleeping. i had pitching practice at 9, had to get up at 7, left at 8. after that i had to babysit. right after that i went to my boyfriends till 7ish. then i had dinner and went to sleep.

without blogging, i have no structure for what i do. i wanna fast. i wanna diet my fat ass off. i want to i really do guys. i just have no idea how to make time to blogg when i'm this busy. :/

and i don't even have a plan anymore. barely and motivation.. i need to look at some thinspo or something. ugh :(

uhm plan for today..
Breakfast- nothing.
Lunch- water or lemonaid or tea
after school snack- grapefruit
dinner- egg whites with bean sprouts and a 4th of a cup of chick peas.

wish me luck i'll try to post back soon.

lets try it again

so this whole summer i spent all my extra energy trying to motivate myself to the point where i could take dieting seriously again. and it worked and i was able to fast, not binge, and break my plateau. but since i got back from atlantic city, idk what happened. i lived a little, i had a taste of freedom, and i went ape shit and i gained the weight i lost when i got back home. haha i guess i didn't have the self control i thought i did.

plan of attack for today:
breakfast- tea and coffee and a slice of toast and an antibiotic. 54 calories
lunch- tea
after schoolio snack- 2 egg whites. 30 calories
dinner- soup or veggies.

time for school, adios

1-2-3-4

first off, thank you 36 followers for following me. i never thought i'd even get 10.

second off, i'm doing an all negative calorie diet for as long as i can, with any/all liquids i want to have. i'm hoping to get the supplies i need soon at the store.

third off, i have an infection in my cheek that could spread to my jaw. if it does that i can die. i don't wanna fucking die.

fourth off, school started last monday. when ever i am at school i feel like the fat kid. but anywhere else i am i feel like i'm not fat, just kinda close too it. idk does this make any sense?

i'm gonna go try and recover so i don't die.

m.i.a

i've been mia for the past couple of days. please don't confuse that with bulimia. school started monday. everyone is so skinny. i have no idea what i weigh. i'm gonna be more on track that i'm blogging again

one hundred & twenty-five pounds

125 125 125 125 125 125 125
this is what i weigh with my period. i haven't been so happy about my weight in a while. the last time i was 125 i was mad because i gained and became that weight. but now i dropped down to it, which is so great. i broke the 127 barrier!

yesterday, like i said in my last post, i went to my friends house, i did have popcorn, there was butter and oil. i also had 3 bananas, a marshmellow, and some pixie sticks.

but today i'm fasting again, tomorrow i'm going to atlantic city. i'm not going to let loose and eat whatever the fuck i want. my mom wants to go to the big candy shop they have in atlantic city to get a jelly bean elephant or something. i'll probably get a little bit of dark chocolate (the lowest calorie chocolate) so i don't seem suspicious. and since i'll be eating those two days i'm going to only have water to drink. i wanna bring my protein shake mix, but i don't wanna have to use gross regular milk. i'm not sure what to do about that one. and i'll stick to soups/sea food for my meals, along with the "i'm soo full. i think my stomach shrunk or something" excuse.

idk if i can do this, but by friday/saturday i wanna be 123. i'll fast on friday if i have to. 120 is my first GW, while breaking 127 was my first goal. while i am happy i got down to 125, i am not happy being it.

1st gw: 120
2nd gw: 118
3rd gw: 115
4th gw: 110
5th gw: 104
i'm not sure if i wanna go lower than that. some of my friends know i have issues with food, and i don't wanna lose my girlish figure, but i wanna look sexy/feel sexy.

right now my stomach is looking a lot flatter, but my thighs are still gross and squishy and jiggly. my hips and butt look the same to me too. i'm hoping that my clothes will fit a little better now that i'm 7lbs lighter

i'm finally feeling like i fit in at the gym. like i'm not working out then going home and binging. i feel like the people there notice that kinda stuff like they realize when someone looks thinner or hasn't made changes in their bodies appearance.

i'm going food shopping today with my mom, i'm going to make sure she doesn't get cookies or anything i'll binge on. i'll probably get stuff for me to make gluten free pizza, i've been craving it so bad. but i'm not gonna have it for a while.

i'm gonna catch up on all yous guys blogs, adios :)

day two

i fasted for two whole days!!!!!!!
i can't believe itt.
i can see the results in my face and my tummy :D

tomorrow i'm going over my friends and he wants to make popcorn. i'll probably eat some of that.

dinner was so hard to resist. it looked so delicious, it was something i never had too.

my dad me protein mix to make protein drinks. they are soso good, and helped me keep full.

i really wanna weigh myself but i have my period.. maybe i will tomorrow and just disregard 1 or 2 lbs.

good night

day one

day one of my 4 day liquid fast is proving to take a tole already. i had 1 sobe and some chicken flavored broth and a bottle of water. i don't have a doubt that i can to this, i feel really tired though.

i went to the gym this morning, and i guess not eating after that made me tired. i'm going to the gym tomorrow morning too. sunday work outs are always the most strenuous because my dad and i do like 6 - 9 sets of squats to start off, then leg presses, then step ups, then lunges, then leg curls and extensions, each has three sets. then we do our ab work out. im worried about all that activity and no food for me, i don't wanna get dizzy at the gym/ faint.

my friend that used to do all this dieting with me in middle school texted me today. she usually does to check up on dieting/ confess her failures and self pity/ compare it to mine. it was some good inspiration. i'll probably text her tomorrow exclaiming "i fasted for a whole day!" but i'll be thinking "you can't control yourself enough to do this. stick to your binge and starving act." ---- she weighs about the same as me, but i look alot thinner than her; and she has never weighed as little as i have.

i'm extremely bored. i'm gonna catch up on everyones blog then probably play some video games to keep my mind from lusting food. byebye

howdy

i didn't realize it had been 3 days since my last post. these past three nights i've stay up to 2 am.

tomorrow i'm starting a fast. only liquids. it will end on tuesday. i already picked up everything i need from the store today. i'm gonna try to post more, i promise!

if i..

looked like my soul..i'd be pure
looked like how i felt..i'd be miserable
looked like how society tells me i have to look.. i'd be size 00
looked like how i wanted to look.. i'd be..104 lbs

i'm in a really down mood today, my mouth hurts. this morning i woke up at 7am with bad tummy and mouth pain. i'm losing a lot of sleep because of this pain, oh and my head hurts a lot too.

last night i was watching a food show and got the cravings for brownies. so i made some brownies. but when i tried to eat them i couldn't, my mouth hurt and i couldn't chew. i guess thats a good thing. i ended up feeding them to my parents.

i look thinner than yesterday. that's a plus. when i blog i do a lot better. i found out that the Wendys large frosty has about 520 calories in them, so i don't feel bad that my mom has fed me two of those in the past few days. i thought that they were like 1000 calories.

i'm just gonna stick with soup today, and i think i'll weigh in tomorrow.

26 new followers

helloo new followers!

so friday sat and sunday i only ate my soft foods like soup and oatmeal.
my face was 3 times the size it was on saturday, yesterday. i have an obese face lol, it's still super swollen.

my oxycodone is giving me extreme/severe/horrendous pain in my tummy. so i decided im just gonna deal with the face pain rather than the stomach pain.

just a little more than a week till i go to Atlantic City. i'm really excited! my moms friend is paying for everything and we get free meals (gah food), a super nice room right on the beach, walking distance from the board walk and from all the stores.

as of right now i'm not seeing any differences with my weight from just eating soups and what not. i don't wanna weigh me till my swelling goes way down. idk i feel like that will make a difference.

today i only had 2 soggy waffles with some syrup. i don't think i'll eat anymore today, my tummy is fucked right not.

adios

just call me Cheeks Malone

i have huge huge huge cheeks lol. my gosh its like i have my baby cheeks back. i have stitches in my mouth, which might i add i can barely open. my oxycodone (pain meds) makes me extremely tired. yesterday i slept most of the day, had some soup and ice cream. i feel thinner. i can barely eat.

i was aware what the ortho was doing when they pulled out my teeth and were stitching me up. when i had to walk out of the place, they questioned my ability to walk. i proclaimed that i could walk just fine and i walked outa there like the Queen of England.

all my soups are vegan. i, myself, am not vegan. but the store i get my gluten free food always sells vegan soups. soo the meat is fake meat that is in the soup. it doesn't taste bad, but i want some real meat.. but i can't chew.

even my mom said i'd lose a bunch of weight :)

short post

i'm going to attempt to make a post right after i get my teeth pulled tomorrow morning.

i'm going to be high as fuck from the medication

guess whos back back back again

dry eyes. blank mind. cravings. lacking the desire to do anything.

i haven't been posting lately, or at least as often as i should. sorry.

tomorrow i'm buying my school uniform clothes x( i don't wanna go because the last time i went there i got all the smallest clothes now i feel like my self esteem will plummet because clothes will be big.

friday is my wisdom teeth removal. apparently i'm going to be tripping balls left and right from the medicine they give me to actually remove the teeth. and then i'm gonna be drugged up for a whole week for the pain. that means upset tummys and not eating, except for when mom forces me to eat some soup. yaay i should get below 127 :D


tomorrow i'm going to be out most of the day so i won't be around my tempting kitchen. speaking of which.. any of you girls (who still get your period) get super strong cravings when you're ovulating or one- two weeks before you get your period? i always want chocolate and most times end up eating 385983 different things. i kept it under control today though.

going to the gym soon. pump pump pump it up! lol

went to the fair! ---- intake less than 700

well the title speaks for itself. my friend took me to the fair and he basically paid for everything for me. we went on a lot of spinning rides and my tummy was blah so i didn't eat there. the only food had today was hemp oatmeal 160 and two sobe energy drinks 420. and i had some grapes. low intake today :)

goood night!

life

im retarded and can't follow a diet.
binge binge binge.. (i don't purge)


alright. so, i've been LONELY as FUCK these past few days. i don't cry about anything, but within the past 20 mins i have shed some tears about being lonely and having to actually start my life in 2-3 years (moving out for college.) i'm one of those kids who loves their parents. i love both equally but something about not seeing my daddy every day just chokes me up so bad. i love him.

i think i've been binging because i'm lonely and sad.

you're probably thinking "just hang out with some friends or how about your boyfriend?" well if only it was so easy. i live far away from any of my friends and my mom is too sick and always working to be carting my ass all around new jersey. "what about your dad?" he works till 4:30 - 5pm.

honestly i think poppin those codone a few nights ago made me unhappy. just thinking "what would daddy think if he found out his little girl was poppin some oxy?" i was over whelmed with guilt. i just wanna do my best for him always. i still feel really guilty about that. im supposed to be over my pills. a third of me is excited to get my wisdom teeth out for the pills, a third is excited because i wont be able to eat alot, and the last remaining third is concerned i'll get hooked.

ill figure something out. i just need to feel happy again..any one know any mood boosters? things to do that make you happy? or any herbs or extracts that boost moods?

when i feel this way i lose alot of sleep. i barely slept at all last night and i'm gonna be up late tonight most likely. probably finishing redecorating my room

aug 4, 2012, 12:10pm

i gout about 11 hours of sleep last night, and i feel good today. not really energetic, but good.

yesterday, during the first part of my day i did really good. then i kinda had some chips, but it was okay because i was going to the gym. i burned a solid 300 on cardio and probably 50 with weights.

today i am not going to the gym so i have to be particular with what i eat.

not much going on today. my boyfriend is hopefully coming over, we're gonna go swimming and just have a good time.

an update on my weight: last week sent me back to 132, now i'm about 129/130. i feel really dumb posting that because this blog is supposed to be me losing weight. not losing and gaining 5lbs back and forth back and forth and then plateauing at 127. ugh

hey

so these past few days i kinda just forgot about everything. i forgot about restricting, i forgot about watching what i eat, i just forgot. it wasn't like 'oh i forgot to do the wash.' i put it out of my mind. i don't know why i did that thought because those few days i was gone i managed to consume 4 super blow pops, a box of lucky charms, a vanilla ice cream cone, and monstrous bowls of soup. i was living life how i did when i was 103.

when i was that little i could have an ice cream cone, if i gained 5lbs over night i'd still be under 110 and then it'd be easy to get that 5lb off.

i have no idea what i was thinking. i even thought about not coming back here, dumb idea. i think if i can maintain 127 till i get my teeth pulled, i'll be able to drop some weight and break 127 from the pain killers and soft food diet. BUT if some how i break 127 by then i'll be so happy.

the 25th and the 26th i'm going to atlantic city. there is going to be a lot of shopping and laying out in the sun and going to the boardwalk. i want to feel good about my body by then. thats about 22 days away or something. i'm going to do a quick calculation of how much weight i can lose if i stick to the 2468 till then.

i should be 10.8 lbs lighter by the time i go to atlantic city if i really stick to the 2468 diet. i'm sure as hell going to try my best. i really hope i could be less than 120 by school starts. it just might be able to pull that off.

well yesterday wasn't that good. haha but really, what could i expect? i went from a guilt free day to a lowlowlow cal day. whatever, i'm just gonna continue the cycle.

i'm going to be out most of today so i won't be tempted by the yummies in my kitchen. around 2pm i'm leaving for the scheduling of my teeth yanking. that'll take a while i'm assuming, then when i get home i'm gonna get changed and go to the gym. i'm gonna make ALOT of soup for me for dinner, and when i mean alot i mean tons of water :P

last night i was talking to my friend brandon on the phone, we were gonna do an all nighter but we decided since we both had to do stuff today it would be kinda dumb to not get atleast 4 hours of sleep. he can't have caffeine because of his heart condition so i didn't want him to be tired and have that temptation. but the real reason i'm bringing this up because at one point i said:

me: you are so lucky you have such a fast metabolism! mine is so slow you have no idea.
him: really? you're super thin though.
me: did you just say i was super thin?
him: yeahh
me: oh, well i wouldn't say i'm SUPER thin. i mean i'm not fat but i wouldn't say i'm super thin..
him: you're not even close to being anything close to fat.
me: last year i was 107- 113 then i just started eating more and put on 20 lbs.
him: honestly, i couldn't imagine you any thinner.
me: awe, well, thank you
him: hah, you're welcome!

that actually made me feel good about myself. and this morning, even i though i know that did bad yesterday, i thought "i don't look too bad today." yay, confidence.

i re-dyed some clothing this morning. i had some hollister shorts that just kept fading (there were yellow, size 1) and i previously dyed them orangey yellow tie dyed. it faded in the wash so i re-dyed that today. also, i had dyed a light grey V-neck the perfect shade of purple, then i splashed bleach on it!!! ARGFHJFGHJF. i re-dyed that this morning and that spot is not longer visible. maybe i'll post a picture of them?

also last night, i painted a scene on the back of one of my school gym shirts. i was thinking "this shit is gonna come out so fucking good. oh man this shirt is gonna be bitching all my friends will gawk over it." turns out, painting on fabric with acrylic paint is alot harder than expected and it only turned out decent. i'm not gonna lie and don't take this as me bragging, i'm a really good artist. so i was kinda disappointing. but my parents and friends liked it, i'll post a picture of it later too

goood day

2468 who do you appreciate ??

so I'm gonna do the 2468 diet for a whole cycle and see how my weight is. I've done this before and it wasn't that hard. the first day is just a pain because its so low. I'm gonna save all my intake for dinner time so my parents see me eat.i really don't feel like making any family drama. my mom is already stressed about work she doesn't need to worry about her little girl.

i guess i like calorie restriction because i can eat what ever i want. i don't HAVE to cut out food. i can have a little of anything i want, which makes me happy.

sometimes when i do restriction plans like this i feel retarded. its not really good for me, but my metabolism is already fucked so i can't eat a lot anyway. I'm never even hungry, honestly, but i do eat a decent amount of food so when i do this stuff i feel like everyone is looking at me like "that's it?" But that's better then when my dad says "you ate ALL that??!??!" I think guys don't really know how much girls can actually scarf down, they'd be grossed out.

i had my breakfast of a whopping 1 apple. i'll probably make a veggie soup for dinner/late lunch. it's better if you make it your self because there isn't chemicals and crap in it.

anyway i'll check back in later. adiiiiooooss

a day of rest

i just need 1 day or resting from worrying about food. that day is today. i'm going to find a new diet to go on starting tomorrow. today is like a day where i just recoup from being ill-ish. i'll probably do alot of commenting on others blogs today, look up some songs, and just take it easy.

yesterday morning i put on cellulite cream on my legs and butt, it actually worked. i felt a difference a few hours later. i put some on last night and this morning. i actually feel like my skin has tightened and it is smoother. this cream is called cellu-sculpt. i need to get some mederma for my stretch marks though. i look like a tiger on my hips. i have stretch marks from growing too fast then gaining mad amounts of weight when i was younger. :{

anywayy i'm probably going to update this later with my new diet.

have a grrreat day


******edit: im probably going to do the 2468 diet just because i feel like restricting calories. :P

i stayed home from the gym today because my tummy still didn't feel good :( man whats up with my tummy lately? and i'm mad tired. i just dont get it. my period is gone and i still feel like poop. i slept for 15 hours last night, i guess i was tired? haha

going to the shore was great. my boyfriend and i took a bunch of pictures. i think the sun exposure magnified my poopy feeling.

i barely ate yesterday and i'm still not 126. boy, what is it gonna take?? it gets me so mad sometimes. like all my weight is on my hips tummy butt and thighs. its kinda gross.

since i already feel poopy i just feel like eating some cookies. i'm allergic but i really want some..

on another note: i thought i was getting my wisdom teeth pulled this friday. i started panicking, i wasn't emotionally prepared for some good old teeth yanking. but turns out that's only when i go to the ortho so he can determine when to take them out. it'll be in a week or two. i'm supposed to be on pain meds for a week, and with my experiance with them, they make you have an upset stomach and not wanna eat. maybe that's what will get me down to 126, maybe even 125....... :D??

hhaa sometimes i feel so lame. but i don't really give a damn if people think i'm lame. but you know what? every person i've met in real life has not given me shit about anything. (obviously this excludes the middle school drama, everyone was all hormonal from puberty)

anyway good night, i'll try to feel better now.

the past few days i've had the worst tummy aches. i still have my period and have been taking alot of midol. they make me not want to eat, which is nice. it helps me not over eat.

i hit the gym hard today. and i had some cereal and a little bit of pizza.

sorry my posts haven't been interesting enough to comment on. i just haven't been feeling well at all.

nothing new

going to the shore monday.
still feel sicky.
mad tired.
gym tomorrow.

:S

why do i feeel soo sick? it JUST started. anyway here's what happened today:
got up at 7:30am , took 3 midols. visited gramma. on way home around 3pm had an apple(60), then took some more midol. when i got home around 4:30pm i had a breakfast bar (110) and some sprinkles (40) total so far 310. then i went to the gym and burned about 350. -350-310= -40 calories. had some fish and collard greens for dinner with 3 slices of bacon. fish= about 120. 3 slices of bacon= 60. greens= 42 total: 222. 222-40= 182. then i had some sprinkles and a little bit of cool whip topping with some more sprinkles. (ifuckinglovesprinkles)that adds up to probably 90 calories. new total 272. and i burn 1300 calories a day just from living so, final total= -1028. HAHA YESSSSSS

so that body wrap shit.. well idk went wrong. we had this recipe for do it at home. i did it. and only lost 2 cm here and there. i guess thats better than nothing. i remember in 8th grade i did it, and i lost INCHES. i guess we'll keep searching for a new/working recipe.

oh today, my mom and i almost brought home a kitten. i named her tibereus (i know a guys name). but we just couldnt afford to have another cat right now. the kitten loved me though. licked my chin and cheek and nose. then she climbed on my head and fell asleep in my arms. i love you tibereus.. <333 :(

copy and paste url in address bar to see her
http://i206.photobucket.com/albums/bb213/pandamanluvah/tibereus.jpg?t=1279935877

nothing new

i don't have much to post about today.
i have my period.
i can't weigh myself.
i only had 2 bowls of captain crunch today for food (an apple too).
i got my midol.
caffeine is good.
going to the gym tomorrow.
visiting family tomorrow. (for like an hour :/)
going to do that body shrink fat and cellulite wrap tomorrow with my mom. (it really works)
eating sprinkles straight up makes my nose bleed into my throat. (weird i know right)
boyfriend and i discovered we like the same book series called Warriors. (i love him)
stayed up till 3am last night(played call of duty with best friend till 2am)
got 8 hours of sleep
cleaned the house.
tired.

//////bored\\\\\\\
\\\\\\.....///////
//////soso.\\\\\\\
\\\\\\bored///////

today...

i've had a pooop load of caffeine. I had midols, red bull, and coffee. Gosh i'm a risk taker. lol. I'm pretty sure caffeine increases metabolism, and since i drink coffee black, and the only real calories i had today were a red bull and some apples, my intake is under 200. i'm prettyy sure that apples are negatives, so i'm doing very well today :D

had a talk with my friend today, we sometimes check up on each others weight loss and boy friends. good news is that she's finally being strict. i always weighed less than her, even at our highests. still weigh less at this gross weight. i'm just happy for her.

i'm going to a wake soon, once my mom gets home. our friends momma died. :(.... well shes in a better place now, i've never met her but i can garuntee she went to purgatory (the place your soul goes to before going to heaven). I'm pretty catholic and i believe all the stuff the Church teaches, unlike some people who pick and choose. and knowing how my friends are (not really all that religious but still believe in God) the mom was probably like that too. I'm just making an assumption, not a judgment.

welll adios amigas

edit**** i had some pizza today but i still kept everything under800 calories.. yeah i know i coulda been a champ and did only 200 cal for today but i woulda over eaten tomorrow. i think i made a good decision actually

k buds.

this is what went down the past 2 days:

i had a little break down and basically repetitively thought "i'm so done with this ana crap. starving then over eating starving then over eating." but then i realized that anorexia doesn't make me do that, i do that. :/

anyway i'm going to the gym in a while when my dad gets home, and im having the first food i had all day (its 3:14pm), a low fat chicken sandwich. i think i might try a raw foods diet. I gotta do some research. i think i saw a show about this guy who switched over to raw foods and in a week or 2 weeks he lost 20 lbs :OOO whaatt. Hell i'll try it. I'll try anything.

on another note: wow i can't believe i have 9 followers!!!!! lol. i've never had followers on any of my blogs. thanks guys

edit**** i didn't have a sandwich because my toast was rock hard. i ended up having some cold chicken on lettuce. it was filling actually. DEEEELIIISSHH

edit edit********* i burned probably 400 calories or more at the gym. more than 300 i know for sure. sausage and rice and some sort of veggie thats like spinach is for dinner. i can have some because i was good today :D.. but not alot. portion control portion control portion control

127.5

woo! i managed to lose all the weight i gained from chocolate in 1 day lol :D

i'm going to the gym this morning for probably around 2 hours. my dad trains me and today is leg exercises. it is so intense you have no idea.

today is my chance to break 127. when i was weighing myself, my mom said i looked skinnier. it made me happy, just a little bit. when i was 113 she said i looked like 100. everyone said i looked like 100.

on my fishing license, the lady put 103 lbs instead of 130. I should get down to 103 so i'm not living a lie.

i'll update this later this afternoon

:l

the body:



what do you think?



and thanks to photobucket i "photoshoped" the picture to what i want my body to look like. i think this is much better

let's try again again again again

Mirando by Ratatat helps lighten my mood so much when I don't feel good about my self, like right now. I feel like i'm in my own world when I play that song. :)

Alrightiioo, so heres's the deal for this morning: I got up at 7:13 am after going to bed at 2:30am. I have to go to my pitching lesson this morning, we're leaving at 8 i think. It really stinks that pitching burns close to no calories even though you put forth a lot of effort.

why i went to bed at 2:30am: I was talking on the phone with my friend (guy). It started off on xbox around 10pm and i switched to phone at 12am. Things just got carried away lol. I read that laughing for 15 mins or so will burn 50 calories, I sure as hell know i was laughing almost the entire time i was on the phone with him. And i also heard that the later you stay up the more calories you burn; and honestly i felt a little tingly in my thighs last night/this morning. idk about anyone else but when i don't eat and my body is using fatfatfat my thighs tingle a bit.

I used to be in such control that the tingling would keep me up at night.

Anyways i guess when i have some free time this afternoon i'll take a before picture, since i ate my self back to the starting line, again. Even though i did, i still feel like i've accomplished gaining SOME control back.

Right now my mom is cooking breakfast for my daddyo and her i guess. It's some sort of scrambled eggs, with cheese probably. Mega unhealthy. I was like 'oh no i'm not hungry, no thanks, i don't want anything.' dads response: 'nothing you sure? okay.' hehehe >:)

and this is for zaq: I did sort of explain my situtation with food with my boyfriend. but he didnt really fully understand. most who dont have this problem wont understand. but he tries :) i never used the word "eating disorder" though.

have a good day :D

uhhggggggggggggggggggggggggggg

So the only thing i ate today was a shit load of chocolate, 2 giant marshmellows, lemonade, and graham crackers. my boyfriend and i made smores (his idea) and i can't control myself when it comes to chocolate..... oooofff... He actualy told me via text that i should eat more chocolate.. wtff are you doing to me boy? my dad said because i ate so much chocolate we're gonna do extra cardio and extra squats at the gym on sun :/makes me feel worse.. I tried to burn it off in the pool but i doubt it made much of a difference. i love chocolate..

I really want dinner.. its pork chops with a delicious rub. no matter what i say on here i'll probably eat some and chocolate too. oh my god i need some one to chain me down to a couch or chair so i can't eat... I'll just get this binge overwith and regroup tomorrow.

i think i'm gonna post a picture of my not so hot bod, so at least i have something to compare to and show progress. good idea or no?

goodnight

i found what works! (for me atleast)

okay so i figured out that if i dont eat in the morning i won't have any desire to eat throughout the day. i'm going to do that all this weekend and see if i cant get to 126 or lower.

i really am sick of bouncing back and forth from 127 to 130.. it suucks.
i ate so much today.. compared to a moderate amount yesterday (some sausage and peppers at dinner time)... I had a super messy pb&j this morning after i ate two apples.. the guilt made me stop eating. then i made dinner, turkey fried rice, and ate 3 bowls. SHIT what was i thinking.. :'(

i think im not gonna weigh myself to sunday morning and inforce the no eating till dinner rule. when i don't eat till dinner i get fuller faster and my mind is more clearer, i can actually recognize if i'm getting out of control and STOP. wow imagine that!

i'm going to bed on a semi-full tummy. meh.i need something to drink too, my mouth is parched.

My boyfriend is comming over tomorrrow. Pros and cons. pros:i'll be with him <3 we'll be in the pool burning cals. cons: eventually he'll get hungry and i'll have to watch him eat, i'll be in a bikini, he's very skinny.

Goood night

ugh

weeeelll i was supposed to fast, but i had to help make dinner around 3. actually i had to make the whole dinner. the sweet smell of suasage wafted into my nostrils and i couldnt take it. i endulged. then i had some ice cream..and a breakfast bar... woe is me woe is me.



i want her body, how thin and dainty she is. thats what i'll have one day.. as for now i have to work on breaking my plateau .

on another note: i've never had followers on my blog before. i've always kinda been talking to my self, i'm glad there is some one here to listen to me and understand for once.

i can't tell if i've gain muscle weight.. I have gained muscle but idk if the weight i gained yesterday was from muscle or fatfatfat

oooff

i was still 127 this morning. ughhh
i went to the gym today
i ate alotta rice thin cakes -18 calories per
i talked to my boyfriend
i played xbox/posted to twitter/checked my tumblr & facebook
i looked in the mirror and felt sad.

going to try to fast tomorrow, again.

Sing my song, puff all night long

yesterday i supposed to fast. And I almost did too.

In the morning my mom was making turkey bacon. In case you think that sounds more healthy than regular bacon, theres 30 more calories per slice than pork bacon. my mom plated me 3 slice - 150calories. i chewed up half of one, hid the chewed up food in my cheek and under my tongue and simply said "i dont like this stuff".. My dad finished my food..

After that we proceeded to go on a hike to a lake in the woods. I found a crap load of fresh water clams and i brought them home with me. I cooked them, tasted one, tasted like shiiit. I was so mad, grabbed 3 tortilla chips and ran out the door. I went to my friends house right after that.

We went on a long walk in the blistering heat, the proceeded to toke up. I was almost completely gone. I had a red bull on the way over to our smoking spot on the train tracks. On the way home we found wild apples and berries. went to town on them babies, almost stole a peach off some guys tree. when we got back to her house i had ice cream with chocolate, lots of chocolate.

And amazingly i weight 127 this morning. WOW and barely ate today :D i hope to be less tomorrow :]]

:(

it seems like starve for 3 days just for one huge massive failure to follow. I don't know what to do with my self. I USED to think i was hefty at 125, but i wish i was that weight now. And when i was 113 i was mortified because i thought i was only 100... :(

Today I am fasting. I might tomorrow too. I don't know. I don't know anything right now except im not eating today. I said alot of prayers to get me through this day of fasting. I already went to the gym today and now i'm going to take a hike + fish with the family.

I'll check back later

10:38

My fear of eating began when my mom told me not to eat too fast or i'll choke. Of course being the child i was, i choked a few times from eating too much too fast. Then I became more aware of what I ate, watching other people..being disgusted.. To this day I can't watch people eat or eat in front of people. If i have to i make sure they are watching me; i'll feel deadly uncomfortable. Then I feared getting FAT.. to late for that now though.

I've been watching videos on youtube these past hours since my last post. actually idek if its been more than 1 hour since i've posted. It's going to take so long to reach my goall.... I basically have 2 months.. 8 weeks.. I can't even break 127 lbs with out binging..

Today i had:
apple - 60
some chips - 120
breakfast bar - 110
red bull - 110
more chips & guacamole- i have no idea.. over 200 probably..
shrimps - probably over 200
2 home made beef cheese burger no bread no cheese no sauces - +200
5 marshmallows- 125

bringing me to a not so grand total of 1125 calories.. woooooo.... im fat..

its been rough:

recap:
lost the weight i gained from the binge
binged again
lost 2 /3 of the lbs igained back
and then today i ate alot and almost binged.


i need to post more. i need to be more strict. i have the will not to eat cookies so im gonna have to the will to not eat.
i really have to try harder. this isnot working for me. i want to get past 127. i will get past that. i will. i will. tomorrow will be a try hard day. it'll break my shell of starve/binge/starve.

today i almost ate a cookie. i grabbed it, crumbled it, and smelt it. Then i dropped it back into the packaging and shut the drawer. i've been having a hard time these past few days.. the will to lose the weight is diminishing and the self pity is almost overwhelming. beautiful/skinny young girls are everywhere. i fell so out of place at the gym.

i might cut out meat all together. just give that crap up. may leave in fish. def no bread and such, no juices, no energy drinks. I need more fruit and i need to eat more veggies. FUN

+3

what did i do to deserve such a terrible struggle? what did we all do to deserve this? i binged yesterday. not because i was hungry but because i was harboring guilt for the past 4 days. i had done something i promised my boyfriend id never ever do again, and when i told him what i did he was disappointed. I can't handle that. i love to please. AND since im an emotional eater i ate all my guilt and sadness.. it didn't even help. that taught me an important lesson, yupp.

today im gonna drink prune juice and take my intestinal supplements. i need to clear out my body from what i put into it last night. then im gonna follow the diet like i should have. seltzer jello fruit, delicious!!!

i can work past this set back. i gained back 3 of the 4.5 so its not like im completely set back, i will do this, i am confident. i'm going to the gym today and after i get off the computer im going to be doing some exercises that i should do everyday im not at the gym

-2.5!

i dropped another 2.5lbs!! yesss im now 127.5 :D i have a head ache though and my eating increased a little, which is very very bad. its from buying all sorts of delicious low cal foods yesterday that have to wait till next weeks diet. boo..

this morning kinda went badly already: 1 mango and 2 rice thins. thats almost 200 calories. and its not even noon. ew. i gotta get my shit together if i wanna lose more weight.

im picking up my boyfriend in about an hour, i usually dont eat around him so thats gonna be good for the rest of my day.

i noticed my weight is coming off my stomach first. i hope it'll start to melt off my hips and thighs and butt soon. i dont wanna be one of those girls whos whole body weight is in their lower body. thats just gross.in another 4 lbs i'll post some pictures :)

-2

i weighed myself and i lost 2 lbs! yess 2 lbs. finally tasting success. maybe tomorrow ill be down another 2 or atleast 1.i hope 5 by friday.

yesterday, i did incredibly well yesterday on my new diet...except i had a homemade cheese burger my mom made. i couldnt resist temptation. gahh. but i still lost 2 lbs! can't help but think maybe -3lbs if i didnt eat it. ah well.

today doing damn good except when i went out to get my gluten free food. i had like 6 rice thins -108 cal and 18 chips- 120.. that's not so bad except my mom grabbed a brownie for me >:( it was 200 and i gave some to her. i already feel the fat increasing on my thighs.. i knida dont even wanna weigh my self tomorrow, because im scared that it'' increse.. anyway i also had 2 table spoons of cereal and jello - 10cal and a mango - 135 ://
at the store i got more tofu and carrots and chick peas for next weeks diet. which will be cereal in the morning and tofu for dinner.

but what am i doing talking about next week> i gotta get through this week. its gonna be hard cuz tomorrow my boy and me are going swimming which burns cals which in turn will make me damn hungry later/the next day.. Jello and seltzer please fill me up

yesterday was pretty shit. i ahd breakfast around 12, it was the usual tofu with some veggies stir fried. but then day went down hill. i ate alot of dinner and then i made rice krispies and basically ate all of them. it's just been a bad 2 days.

this is my diet for the week:
breakfast: prune juice and 10 cal jello
lunch: seltzer
dinner: home made low low low cal soup. basically boiled veggies in beef flavored water (bullion cubes)
*any snacks must be a fruit

i used this diet to form my diet for this week:

Russian Gymnasts diet. :
Breakfast: Glass of either orange or apple juice
Lunch: Fruit Salad (made off kiwi fruit, orange, pineapple, and peeled apples) Glass of fruit juice (from one of the above fruits)
Dinner: Glass of non carbonated water* Green apple


it said anyone following this diet for 5-7 days can lose 4- 11 pounds! wows. im gonna stick to this for the week

did good, switching it up

ive done really well this past week since i started up again. chick peas kept me very full, but gave me terrible bloating and gas, so im switching up my diet. also this is kinda getting boring and i wanna keep going. SO.. right now im searching for a new diet.

i haven't weighed my self because i have my period. screw you period >:(

alright

Okkkay. I'm ready! I'm ready to be good again. I'm ready to float. I'm ready to give up food again. I'm ready to spend shit loads of time devouted to keeping my self away from food. I'm ready to be so committed, when i eat i run up stairs to work out.

Ok? Do you hear me? I am ready.

My diet? I haven’t been on it
i havent been on and it shows in my thighs/hips/ass/stomach.


just fuck you food i hate you i hate cravings i hate how i can't control my self

i always do this to me what the fuck is wrong with me seriously get your shit together.. ughhghfghgfhfghfghfghfgh

i was supposed to be 10 lbs lighter by TODAY. im going to the dr to get a physical im probably 135lbs. the last time i was there i was 123/124.... screw me. screw scales.. screw food.

i don't need this shit. AT ALL. im doing fruit and veg and rice diet. no sweats, no energy drinks, no marshmallows, no breakfast bars, no cereal, nothing but fruits vegs and rice. no meat, no sauces, no peanut butter. i can do this. ill make rice for me later. after i hear the devistating number on the scale at the drs.

woooo... bye

Mehh

i've put on muscle pounds, but i can still fit into my 0 jean shorts. I dont really feel that comfortable though. i didnt write at all yesterday and i did so bad. im snacking on cherries right now, and then im going swimming later with my friend who used to share my ed with me. we don't go to the same school anymore, we both had gained weight. I stayed more lean and she gained the fat. Don't get me wrong, i gained fat too, but i still look better.

we're going swimming, i plan on eating a light meal later so i dont go crazy tomorrow and eat EVERYTHING. plus im going to the gym tomorrow. i'm trying hard. i hope you are too

Wintergirls

I've been reading wintergirls, and I read up to page 89 last night. I can't stop reading that book, oh man. It's so good.

The body wrap thing: I only had half the ingredients so, it didn't really work :(. My mom has a recipe for it that the celebs use. It's magnesium and potassium in hot water. As apposed to the 42 other things that the internet said.



Going to the gym. Gonna fast. Be back later :)

Body wrapping?

I remember doing a body wrap a few years ago and being shocked. I think I'm going to do one today, tomorrow, and Monday. They are supposed to help you lose inches and fat. That's what I need right now. I fucking binged. On cookies! They aren't even taste good, and I'm allergic. ughghghhghghghghghghhhh...



I'll post back to update on how the body wrapping went.

The past few days..

Two days after I did not writing in my journal or on here I was going well. Then the next two days I did terrible. I noticed I wanted food at lunch and instead of buying a water I bought juice, which was an incredible waste of money. I'm still on my period, so, I am not going to weigh my self till next week. I do look like I have lost weight, in my stomach at least. I didn't look at my thighs this morning though. I still have the ugly round bump in my stomach. So instead of being straight and sex, it's like 'oh, you should get rid of that, go on a diet.'

I believe that my calves have gotten smaller from going to the gym, and I can lift more too :D! It's been a reasonably okay two weeks, despite the two days of failure.

This weekend I'm only going to the gym once, on Sunday. I need to eat as little as possible to lose weight. Only 21 more days, weekend included, till the last day of school. I can lose this weight, I know I can. I've done it before. I need to keep busy, and drink lots of water, eat fruit, and take my vitamins.

Have a great day :)

Its almost been twoo weeks..

Since I began to work out 3 times a week with my dad. I'm very much enjoying it. I can feel my self getting stronger. I really am feeling like I don't need to eat as soon as I get home. And despite not having enough time to write down my goals for today, I did pretty well. (I over slept by an hour)

At lunch, I was staring down my weakness, cookies and icing. It was my friends birthday, and the cookies were small. I had 3, and 4 spoon fulls of frosting. 300 for frosting, and 255 for 3 cookies. and -200 on cardio at the gym about 169 lifting., so it is like ive only eaten 190 calories today.

I am pretty sure I lost weight between yesterday and this morning, at least 1 pound. I can see and feel it. But I would weigh myself, except that I have my period. GRRRRR! Well, midol helps reduce my appetite with all the caffeine it has in it. I'm not gonna lie, I am feeling hungry, and I might have something light to eat, or maybe not, not sure.

I've got a poster to do for biology, so I will most likely grab something after wards, or have a little peanut butter while I make my dads lunch.

Hmmm, I can do this :)

Hey hi hello

I think I've had 4? blogs in the past, any way long story short, I became paranoid that my mother could find them, and I deleted them.
I also keep a short daily journal where i keep my eating/fitness goals for the day.
Where it all began:
• 5th, 6th, and beginning of 7th grade, I was rapidly gaining weight. It was distributing grossly and unattractively throughout my body. My friend and I used to say "I don't care how much I weight, as long as it's muscle." HAHA, how naive when i was young.
• I suppose around the middle of 7th grade year I cut out junk food. I lost, I guess, about 7 pounds? Bringing me to 132lbs. Then just cutting out junk food was not enough.
• I heard my friends talking about how their one friend, Krista, was so skinny. I opened up my ear and listened closer. "Yeah it's 'cuz she eats like 300 calories a day."
• That night, I did research, and my mind was altered, Forever. I was exposed to all the idea "Eat little, weigh little." And so I began reading labels and accompanying my mother to the grocery store, making "healthy" food suggestions.
• By the time 8th grade rolled 'round, my friend and I were completely prepared to do "this". 'This' meaning, restriction. Giving myself to what I did not know was an eating disorder. I started somewhat high, getting lower, lower, lower. The pounds dropped, and i began weighing less, and less, and less. I became so good, I didn't have to count calories anymore. I knew what to eat every day, what not to eat, and what I could. The last time I weighed my self I was 107.
• I know my weight continued to drop, though, because I could see a difference in the mirror. I was afraid if I weighed my self I'd feel accomplished, happy, and deserving to eat. So i didn't weigh myself till Feb 2009, when I had to give exact weight for anesthetic (I had surgery.) -113
• After surgery, my weight climbed. (Of course after throwing up a few times a few hours after said surgery.)
• 2 months left of freshman year. 122 lbs. Nearly, bawling my eyes out everyday, not having the motivation to lose the weight.
• Over the summer, gaining and losing 4-6 lbs, never breaking 130 or 120.
• Soph year, this year, gained about 10 lbs. Now, currently, 132 lbs.
My eating habits? Well, they are 'varied'. I'll binge, never purge, anymore at least, then I'll starve, then I'll eat very healthy, then not so much, and then binge again. I hate this. Why can't I just get my head in there like before. Like I've said, I keep a daily journal for goals and what I'm going to do today. Most days, I barely accomplish what I want.
I try to fast. The longest I've fasted was 2 and a half days. Friday, I almost fasted completely, losing 4 pounds. Only to gain 5 more the next day through binging. Then between Sunday and Monday, I've lost 1 pound.
There's 16 days left of school, by then I HAVE TO LOSE 16 pounds or more. This weekend I'm going to a memorial day party, Friday I have to buy a bathing suit. The last thing I want to buy is a bathing suit, to show case my blobous, giggling, fat body to everyone. But I'm trying, trying, and crying. If I'm so sick of my body, why can't I lose the weight? Because I need support.

I was supposed to Fast today, but Here;s what I ate according to Calorie King.
2 4" links of sausage - 88 calories
1 mando drink - 20 calories
cool whip - 150
6 starbursts - 120
and 1 apple - 60 calories

418 calories all together, give or take. Skipping dinner today, because, well, I feel completely terrible and fat after eating that when I was supposed to fast. I can try again tomorrow.
I won't be home much tomorrow, I'm going to the gym. I go three times a week, and pitch for 30 mins once or twice a week, starting last Sunday. My dad is going to order once of those intense work out dvds, "GET RIPPED IN 90 DAYS!" All this 'training' is for softball next year, so I can make varsity. But I'm taking advantage of this blessing. Quality and exercise time :).