m.i.a

i've been mia for the past couple of days. please don't confuse that with bulimia. school started monday. everyone is so skinny. i have no idea what i weigh. i'm gonna be more on track that i'm blogging again

one hundred & twenty-five pounds

125 125 125 125 125 125 125
this is what i weigh with my period. i haven't been so happy about my weight in a while. the last time i was 125 i was mad because i gained and became that weight. but now i dropped down to it, which is so great. i broke the 127 barrier!

yesterday, like i said in my last post, i went to my friends house, i did have popcorn, there was butter and oil. i also had 3 bananas, a marshmellow, and some pixie sticks.

but today i'm fasting again, tomorrow i'm going to atlantic city. i'm not going to let loose and eat whatever the fuck i want. my mom wants to go to the big candy shop they have in atlantic city to get a jelly bean elephant or something. i'll probably get a little bit of dark chocolate (the lowest calorie chocolate) so i don't seem suspicious. and since i'll be eating those two days i'm going to only have water to drink. i wanna bring my protein shake mix, but i don't wanna have to use gross regular milk. i'm not sure what to do about that one. and i'll stick to soups/sea food for my meals, along with the "i'm soo full. i think my stomach shrunk or something" excuse.

idk if i can do this, but by friday/saturday i wanna be 123. i'll fast on friday if i have to. 120 is my first GW, while breaking 127 was my first goal. while i am happy i got down to 125, i am not happy being it.

1st gw: 120
2nd gw: 118
3rd gw: 115
4th gw: 110
5th gw: 104
i'm not sure if i wanna go lower than that. some of my friends know i have issues with food, and i don't wanna lose my girlish figure, but i wanna look sexy/feel sexy.

right now my stomach is looking a lot flatter, but my thighs are still gross and squishy and jiggly. my hips and butt look the same to me too. i'm hoping that my clothes will fit a little better now that i'm 7lbs lighter

i'm finally feeling like i fit in at the gym. like i'm not working out then going home and binging. i feel like the people there notice that kinda stuff like they realize when someone looks thinner or hasn't made changes in their bodies appearance.

i'm going food shopping today with my mom, i'm going to make sure she doesn't get cookies or anything i'll binge on. i'll probably get stuff for me to make gluten free pizza, i've been craving it so bad. but i'm not gonna have it for a while.

i'm gonna catch up on all yous guys blogs, adios :)

day two

i fasted for two whole days!!!!!!!
i can't believe itt.
i can see the results in my face and my tummy :D

tomorrow i'm going over my friends and he wants to make popcorn. i'll probably eat some of that.

dinner was so hard to resist. it looked so delicious, it was something i never had too.

my dad me protein mix to make protein drinks. they are soso good, and helped me keep full.

i really wanna weigh myself but i have my period.. maybe i will tomorrow and just disregard 1 or 2 lbs.

good night

day one

day one of my 4 day liquid fast is proving to take a tole already. i had 1 sobe and some chicken flavored broth and a bottle of water. i don't have a doubt that i can to this, i feel really tired though.

i went to the gym this morning, and i guess not eating after that made me tired. i'm going to the gym tomorrow morning too. sunday work outs are always the most strenuous because my dad and i do like 6 - 9 sets of squats to start off, then leg presses, then step ups, then lunges, then leg curls and extensions, each has three sets. then we do our ab work out. im worried about all that activity and no food for me, i don't wanna get dizzy at the gym/ faint.

my friend that used to do all this dieting with me in middle school texted me today. she usually does to check up on dieting/ confess her failures and self pity/ compare it to mine. it was some good inspiration. i'll probably text her tomorrow exclaiming "i fasted for a whole day!" but i'll be thinking "you can't control yourself enough to do this. stick to your binge and starving act." ---- she weighs about the same as me, but i look alot thinner than her; and she has never weighed as little as i have.

i'm extremely bored. i'm gonna catch up on everyones blog then probably play some video games to keep my mind from lusting food. byebye

howdy

i didn't realize it had been 3 days since my last post. these past three nights i've stay up to 2 am.

tomorrow i'm starting a fast. only liquids. it will end on tuesday. i already picked up everything i need from the store today. i'm gonna try to post more, i promise!

if i..

looked like my soul..i'd be pure
looked like how i felt..i'd be miserable
looked like how society tells me i have to look.. i'd be size 00
looked like how i wanted to look.. i'd be..104 lbs

i'm in a really down mood today, my mouth hurts. this morning i woke up at 7am with bad tummy and mouth pain. i'm losing a lot of sleep because of this pain, oh and my head hurts a lot too.

last night i was watching a food show and got the cravings for brownies. so i made some brownies. but when i tried to eat them i couldn't, my mouth hurt and i couldn't chew. i guess thats a good thing. i ended up feeding them to my parents.

i look thinner than yesterday. that's a plus. when i blog i do a lot better. i found out that the Wendys large frosty has about 520 calories in them, so i don't feel bad that my mom has fed me two of those in the past few days. i thought that they were like 1000 calories.

i'm just gonna stick with soup today, and i think i'll weigh in tomorrow.

26 new followers

helloo new followers!

so friday sat and sunday i only ate my soft foods like soup and oatmeal.
my face was 3 times the size it was on saturday, yesterday. i have an obese face lol, it's still super swollen.

my oxycodone is giving me extreme/severe/horrendous pain in my tummy. so i decided im just gonna deal with the face pain rather than the stomach pain.

just a little more than a week till i go to Atlantic City. i'm really excited! my moms friend is paying for everything and we get free meals (gah food), a super nice room right on the beach, walking distance from the board walk and from all the stores.

as of right now i'm not seeing any differences with my weight from just eating soups and what not. i don't wanna weigh me till my swelling goes way down. idk i feel like that will make a difference.

today i only had 2 soggy waffles with some syrup. i don't think i'll eat anymore today, my tummy is fucked right not.

adios

just call me Cheeks Malone

i have huge huge huge cheeks lol. my gosh its like i have my baby cheeks back. i have stitches in my mouth, which might i add i can barely open. my oxycodone (pain meds) makes me extremely tired. yesterday i slept most of the day, had some soup and ice cream. i feel thinner. i can barely eat.

i was aware what the ortho was doing when they pulled out my teeth and were stitching me up. when i had to walk out of the place, they questioned my ability to walk. i proclaimed that i could walk just fine and i walked outa there like the Queen of England.

all my soups are vegan. i, myself, am not vegan. but the store i get my gluten free food always sells vegan soups. soo the meat is fake meat that is in the soup. it doesn't taste bad, but i want some real meat.. but i can't chew.

even my mom said i'd lose a bunch of weight :)

short post

i'm going to attempt to make a post right after i get my teeth pulled tomorrow morning.

i'm going to be high as fuck from the medication

guess whos back back back again

dry eyes. blank mind. cravings. lacking the desire to do anything.

i haven't been posting lately, or at least as often as i should. sorry.

tomorrow i'm buying my school uniform clothes x( i don't wanna go because the last time i went there i got all the smallest clothes now i feel like my self esteem will plummet because clothes will be big.

friday is my wisdom teeth removal. apparently i'm going to be tripping balls left and right from the medicine they give me to actually remove the teeth. and then i'm gonna be drugged up for a whole week for the pain. that means upset tummys and not eating, except for when mom forces me to eat some soup. yaay i should get below 127 :D


tomorrow i'm going to be out most of the day so i won't be around my tempting kitchen. speaking of which.. any of you girls (who still get your period) get super strong cravings when you're ovulating or one- two weeks before you get your period? i always want chocolate and most times end up eating 385983 different things. i kept it under control today though.

going to the gym soon. pump pump pump it up! lol

went to the fair! ---- intake less than 700

well the title speaks for itself. my friend took me to the fair and he basically paid for everything for me. we went on a lot of spinning rides and my tummy was blah so i didn't eat there. the only food had today was hemp oatmeal 160 and two sobe energy drinks 420. and i had some grapes. low intake today :)

goood night!

life

im retarded and can't follow a diet.
binge binge binge.. (i don't purge)


alright. so, i've been LONELY as FUCK these past few days. i don't cry about anything, but within the past 20 mins i have shed some tears about being lonely and having to actually start my life in 2-3 years (moving out for college.) i'm one of those kids who loves their parents. i love both equally but something about not seeing my daddy every day just chokes me up so bad. i love him.

i think i've been binging because i'm lonely and sad.

you're probably thinking "just hang out with some friends or how about your boyfriend?" well if only it was so easy. i live far away from any of my friends and my mom is too sick and always working to be carting my ass all around new jersey. "what about your dad?" he works till 4:30 - 5pm.

honestly i think poppin those codone a few nights ago made me unhappy. just thinking "what would daddy think if he found out his little girl was poppin some oxy?" i was over whelmed with guilt. i just wanna do my best for him always. i still feel really guilty about that. im supposed to be over my pills. a third of me is excited to get my wisdom teeth out for the pills, a third is excited because i wont be able to eat alot, and the last remaining third is concerned i'll get hooked.

ill figure something out. i just need to feel happy again..any one know any mood boosters? things to do that make you happy? or any herbs or extracts that boost moods?

when i feel this way i lose alot of sleep. i barely slept at all last night and i'm gonna be up late tonight most likely. probably finishing redecorating my room

aug 4, 2012, 12:10pm

i gout about 11 hours of sleep last night, and i feel good today. not really energetic, but good.

yesterday, during the first part of my day i did really good. then i kinda had some chips, but it was okay because i was going to the gym. i burned a solid 300 on cardio and probably 50 with weights.

today i am not going to the gym so i have to be particular with what i eat.

not much going on today. my boyfriend is hopefully coming over, we're gonna go swimming and just have a good time.

an update on my weight: last week sent me back to 132, now i'm about 129/130. i feel really dumb posting that because this blog is supposed to be me losing weight. not losing and gaining 5lbs back and forth back and forth and then plateauing at 127. ugh

hey

so these past few days i kinda just forgot about everything. i forgot about restricting, i forgot about watching what i eat, i just forgot. it wasn't like 'oh i forgot to do the wash.' i put it out of my mind. i don't know why i did that thought because those few days i was gone i managed to consume 4 super blow pops, a box of lucky charms, a vanilla ice cream cone, and monstrous bowls of soup. i was living life how i did when i was 103.

when i was that little i could have an ice cream cone, if i gained 5lbs over night i'd still be under 110 and then it'd be easy to get that 5lb off.

i have no idea what i was thinking. i even thought about not coming back here, dumb idea. i think if i can maintain 127 till i get my teeth pulled, i'll be able to drop some weight and break 127 from the pain killers and soft food diet. BUT if some how i break 127 by then i'll be so happy.

the 25th and the 26th i'm going to atlantic city. there is going to be a lot of shopping and laying out in the sun and going to the boardwalk. i want to feel good about my body by then. thats about 22 days away or something. i'm going to do a quick calculation of how much weight i can lose if i stick to the 2468 till then.

i should be 10.8 lbs lighter by the time i go to atlantic city if i really stick to the 2468 diet. i'm sure as hell going to try my best. i really hope i could be less than 120 by school starts. it just might be able to pull that off.