ok ok the REAL first day of fasting

idk but i decided not to fast yesterday. i saved it for today, and boy do i really neeed it. my school skirt is pretty tight.

so day 1 will include of probably an energy drink, then some protein shakes, and lots of water. it should go well. i hope :x

fast day 1

its 7:10 and almost time to go to church.
then i'm going to the gym.
then cleaning job.

anyway i'm fasting today i'll post again later. gotta feed the kitty cats because my mom "has a white outfit on" and she can't do it herself. >:(

morning post

i found sometime to post this morning, hooorah.

my emotions are all up in a knot these past few weeks. its because of my guy friend, B, and my boyfriend. whenever i go to B's house my bf gets very jealous and upset, which makes me feel guilty for going there. but B is one of my bestfriends. that's not the only thing though, B is in love with me. "I love you so much. you make me feel like no other girl has made me feel before. i never loved any other girl like how i love you. i miss you so much, when i think about you my heart feels fuzzy." and i'll i can muster up for the kid is an "i miss you too."

and then somehow if he isn't happy i blame myself for that then i feel like a crap friend. And guilt, sorrow, and anger keep building up more and more inside of me and idk how to just let it go. This morning i woke up to a text from B saying "i guess you feel asleep, i love you. text me in the morning if you want to." UGH i spent my whole morning deciding if i wanted to talk to him before i went to school or not. i didn't really want to but i know he'd get kinda down if i didn't...

i've told B that i love him, but not in the way that he loves me. and i did explain it all to him. but i don't wanna break his heart. too many girls have done that. and it must hurt to see someone you love with someone else.
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yesterday i had a cup of raisins mixed with nuts for lunch. after i got home i had some cereal and a bowl of rice.
today i think i'll have just a drink for lunch, protein drink when i get home, after the gym i might have a small portion of dinner.

i'm trying to make the effort.

i just don't know what to do

i never have time to blog with all my school work/house chores/studying/gym/friends. Saturday i literally had no time to myself except for when i was sleeping. i had pitching practice at 9, had to get up at 7, left at 8. after that i had to babysit. right after that i went to my boyfriends till 7ish. then i had dinner and went to sleep.

without blogging, i have no structure for what i do. i wanna fast. i wanna diet my fat ass off. i want to i really do guys. i just have no idea how to make time to blogg when i'm this busy. :/

and i don't even have a plan anymore. barely and motivation.. i need to look at some thinspo or something. ugh :(

uhm plan for today..
Breakfast- nothing.
Lunch- water or lemonaid or tea
after school snack- grapefruit
dinner- egg whites with bean sprouts and a 4th of a cup of chick peas.

wish me luck i'll try to post back soon.

lets try it again

so this whole summer i spent all my extra energy trying to motivate myself to the point where i could take dieting seriously again. and it worked and i was able to fast, not binge, and break my plateau. but since i got back from atlantic city, idk what happened. i lived a little, i had a taste of freedom, and i went ape shit and i gained the weight i lost when i got back home. haha i guess i didn't have the self control i thought i did.

plan of attack for today:
breakfast- tea and coffee and a slice of toast and an antibiotic. 54 calories
lunch- tea
after schoolio snack- 2 egg whites. 30 calories
dinner- soup or veggies.

time for school, adios

1-2-3-4

first off, thank you 36 followers for following me. i never thought i'd even get 10.

second off, i'm doing an all negative calorie diet for as long as i can, with any/all liquids i want to have. i'm hoping to get the supplies i need soon at the store.

third off, i have an infection in my cheek that could spread to my jaw. if it does that i can die. i don't wanna fucking die.

fourth off, school started last monday. when ever i am at school i feel like the fat kid. but anywhere else i am i feel like i'm not fat, just kinda close too it. idk does this make any sense?

i'm gonna go try and recover so i don't die.