morning post

i found sometime to post this morning, hooorah.

my emotions are all up in a knot these past few weeks. its because of my guy friend, B, and my boyfriend. whenever i go to B's house my bf gets very jealous and upset, which makes me feel guilty for going there. but B is one of my bestfriends. that's not the only thing though, B is in love with me. "I love you so much. you make me feel like no other girl has made me feel before. i never loved any other girl like how i love you. i miss you so much, when i think about you my heart feels fuzzy." and i'll i can muster up for the kid is an "i miss you too."

and then somehow if he isn't happy i blame myself for that then i feel like a crap friend. And guilt, sorrow, and anger keep building up more and more inside of me and idk how to just let it go. This morning i woke up to a text from B saying "i guess you feel asleep, i love you. text me in the morning if you want to." UGH i spent my whole morning deciding if i wanted to talk to him before i went to school or not. i didn't really want to but i know he'd get kinda down if i didn't...

i've told B that i love him, but not in the way that he loves me. and i did explain it all to him. but i don't wanna break his heart. too many girls have done that. and it must hurt to see someone you love with someone else.
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yesterday i had a cup of raisins mixed with nuts for lunch. after i got home i had some cereal and a bowl of rice.
today i think i'll have just a drink for lunch, protein drink when i get home, after the gym i might have a small portion of dinner.

i'm trying to make the effort.