hello

a recap:

2 weeks before my surgery i ate completely raw. my weight was 126.5.
1 week before surgery i binged and binged. my weight is 132.

present day:
Sunday.

i had surgery a few days ago. the lack of desire to eat from my Vicodin has been setting in. i can't really finish what i have on my plate.

I can feel my self becoming addicted to these pills again. i don't like having to take them. when i do take them i feel "mentally challenger". fuck it, i feel retarded when i have a Vicodin. it puts a dunce cap over my brain and i can't function.


I've been wanting to come back to you all for quite some time now. i miss blogging, i miss weighing in. i miss having control. BLAH BLAH BLAH i miss being skinny.

i wanna do the abc, but everyone seem to fail that. i've tried it, i've failed it. i've failed it hard.

all i know is that i have to diet. i need to be the trophy girlfriend. i need to be that beautiful girl i used to be. and damn it, when i go on vacation this summer coming up i dont wanna feel self conscious.

i'm dying my hair lighter too. i wanna be the light airy little swedish girl i'm supposed to be. i don't like my hair dark. it makes me feel ugly.