Hey hi hello

I think I've had 4? blogs in the past, any way long story short, I became paranoid that my mother could find them, and I deleted them.
I also keep a short daily journal where i keep my eating/fitness goals for the day.
Where it all began:
• 5th, 6th, and beginning of 7th grade, I was rapidly gaining weight. It was distributing grossly and unattractively throughout my body. My friend and I used to say "I don't care how much I weight, as long as it's muscle." HAHA, how naive when i was young.
• I suppose around the middle of 7th grade year I cut out junk food. I lost, I guess, about 7 pounds? Bringing me to 132lbs. Then just cutting out junk food was not enough.
• I heard my friends talking about how their one friend, Krista, was so skinny. I opened up my ear and listened closer. "Yeah it's 'cuz she eats like 300 calories a day."
• That night, I did research, and my mind was altered, Forever. I was exposed to all the idea "Eat little, weigh little." And so I began reading labels and accompanying my mother to the grocery store, making "healthy" food suggestions.
• By the time 8th grade rolled 'round, my friend and I were completely prepared to do "this". 'This' meaning, restriction. Giving myself to what I did not know was an eating disorder. I started somewhat high, getting lower, lower, lower. The pounds dropped, and i began weighing less, and less, and less. I became so good, I didn't have to count calories anymore. I knew what to eat every day, what not to eat, and what I could. The last time I weighed my self I was 107.
• I know my weight continued to drop, though, because I could see a difference in the mirror. I was afraid if I weighed my self I'd feel accomplished, happy, and deserving to eat. So i didn't weigh myself till Feb 2009, when I had to give exact weight for anesthetic (I had surgery.) -113
• After surgery, my weight climbed. (Of course after throwing up a few times a few hours after said surgery.)
• 2 months left of freshman year. 122 lbs. Nearly, bawling my eyes out everyday, not having the motivation to lose the weight.
• Over the summer, gaining and losing 4-6 lbs, never breaking 130 or 120.
• Soph year, this year, gained about 10 lbs. Now, currently, 132 lbs.
My eating habits? Well, they are 'varied'. I'll binge, never purge, anymore at least, then I'll starve, then I'll eat very healthy, then not so much, and then binge again. I hate this. Why can't I just get my head in there like before. Like I've said, I keep a daily journal for goals and what I'm going to do today. Most days, I barely accomplish what I want.
I try to fast. The longest I've fasted was 2 and a half days. Friday, I almost fasted completely, losing 4 pounds. Only to gain 5 more the next day through binging. Then between Sunday and Monday, I've lost 1 pound.
There's 16 days left of school, by then I HAVE TO LOSE 16 pounds or more. This weekend I'm going to a memorial day party, Friday I have to buy a bathing suit. The last thing I want to buy is a bathing suit, to show case my blobous, giggling, fat body to everyone. But I'm trying, trying, and crying. If I'm so sick of my body, why can't I lose the weight? Because I need support.

I was supposed to Fast today, but Here;s what I ate according to Calorie King.
2 4" links of sausage - 88 calories
1 mando drink - 20 calories
cool whip - 150
6 starbursts - 120
and 1 apple - 60 calories

418 calories all together, give or take. Skipping dinner today, because, well, I feel completely terrible and fat after eating that when I was supposed to fast. I can try again tomorrow.
I won't be home much tomorrow, I'm going to the gym. I go three times a week, and pitch for 30 mins once or twice a week, starting last Sunday. My dad is going to order once of those intense work out dvds, "GET RIPPED IN 90 DAYS!" All this 'training' is for softball next year, so I can make varsity. But I'm taking advantage of this blessing. Quality and exercise time :).