well yesterday wasn't that good. haha but really, what could i expect? i went from a guilt free day to a lowlowlow cal day. whatever, i'm just gonna continue the cycle.

i'm going to be out most of today so i won't be tempted by the yummies in my kitchen. around 2pm i'm leaving for the scheduling of my teeth yanking. that'll take a while i'm assuming, then when i get home i'm gonna get changed and go to the gym. i'm gonna make ALOT of soup for me for dinner, and when i mean alot i mean tons of water :P

last night i was talking to my friend brandon on the phone, we were gonna do an all nighter but we decided since we both had to do stuff today it would be kinda dumb to not get atleast 4 hours of sleep. he can't have caffeine because of his heart condition so i didn't want him to be tired and have that temptation. but the real reason i'm bringing this up because at one point i said:

me: you are so lucky you have such a fast metabolism! mine is so slow you have no idea.
him: really? you're super thin though.
me: did you just say i was super thin?
him: yeahh
me: oh, well i wouldn't say i'm SUPER thin. i mean i'm not fat but i wouldn't say i'm super thin..
him: you're not even close to being anything close to fat.
me: last year i was 107- 113 then i just started eating more and put on 20 lbs.
him: honestly, i couldn't imagine you any thinner.
me: awe, well, thank you
him: hah, you're welcome!

that actually made me feel good about myself. and this morning, even i though i know that did bad yesterday, i thought "i don't look too bad today." yay, confidence.

i re-dyed some clothing this morning. i had some hollister shorts that just kept fading (there were yellow, size 1) and i previously dyed them orangey yellow tie dyed. it faded in the wash so i re-dyed that today. also, i had dyed a light grey V-neck the perfect shade of purple, then i splashed bleach on it!!! ARGFHJFGHJF. i re-dyed that this morning and that spot is not longer visible. maybe i'll post a picture of them?

also last night, i painted a scene on the back of one of my school gym shirts. i was thinking "this shit is gonna come out so fucking good. oh man this shirt is gonna be bitching all my friends will gawk over it." turns out, painting on fabric with acrylic paint is alot harder than expected and it only turned out decent. i'm not gonna lie and don't take this as me bragging, i'm a really good artist. so i was kinda disappointing. but my parents and friends liked it, i'll post a picture of it later too

goood day

2468 who do you appreciate ??

so I'm gonna do the 2468 diet for a whole cycle and see how my weight is. I've done this before and it wasn't that hard. the first day is just a pain because its so low. I'm gonna save all my intake for dinner time so my parents see me eat.i really don't feel like making any family drama. my mom is already stressed about work she doesn't need to worry about her little girl.

i guess i like calorie restriction because i can eat what ever i want. i don't HAVE to cut out food. i can have a little of anything i want, which makes me happy.

sometimes when i do restriction plans like this i feel retarded. its not really good for me, but my metabolism is already fucked so i can't eat a lot anyway. I'm never even hungry, honestly, but i do eat a decent amount of food so when i do this stuff i feel like everyone is looking at me like "that's it?" But that's better then when my dad says "you ate ALL that??!??!" I think guys don't really know how much girls can actually scarf down, they'd be grossed out.

i had my breakfast of a whopping 1 apple. i'll probably make a veggie soup for dinner/late lunch. it's better if you make it your self because there isn't chemicals and crap in it.

anyway i'll check back in later. adiiiiooooss

a day of rest

i just need 1 day or resting from worrying about food. that day is today. i'm going to find a new diet to go on starting tomorrow. today is like a day where i just recoup from being ill-ish. i'll probably do alot of commenting on others blogs today, look up some songs, and just take it easy.

yesterday morning i put on cellulite cream on my legs and butt, it actually worked. i felt a difference a few hours later. i put some on last night and this morning. i actually feel like my skin has tightened and it is smoother. this cream is called cellu-sculpt. i need to get some mederma for my stretch marks though. i look like a tiger on my hips. i have stretch marks from growing too fast then gaining mad amounts of weight when i was younger. :{

anywayy i'm probably going to update this later with my new diet.

have a grrreat day


******edit: im probably going to do the 2468 diet just because i feel like restricting calories. :P

i stayed home from the gym today because my tummy still didn't feel good :( man whats up with my tummy lately? and i'm mad tired. i just dont get it. my period is gone and i still feel like poop. i slept for 15 hours last night, i guess i was tired? haha

going to the shore was great. my boyfriend and i took a bunch of pictures. i think the sun exposure magnified my poopy feeling.

i barely ate yesterday and i'm still not 126. boy, what is it gonna take?? it gets me so mad sometimes. like all my weight is on my hips tummy butt and thighs. its kinda gross.

since i already feel poopy i just feel like eating some cookies. i'm allergic but i really want some..

on another note: i thought i was getting my wisdom teeth pulled this friday. i started panicking, i wasn't emotionally prepared for some good old teeth yanking. but turns out that's only when i go to the ortho so he can determine when to take them out. it'll be in a week or two. i'm supposed to be on pain meds for a week, and with my experiance with them, they make you have an upset stomach and not wanna eat. maybe that's what will get me down to 126, maybe even 125....... :D??

hhaa sometimes i feel so lame. but i don't really give a damn if people think i'm lame. but you know what? every person i've met in real life has not given me shit about anything. (obviously this excludes the middle school drama, everyone was all hormonal from puberty)

anyway good night, i'll try to feel better now.

the past few days i've had the worst tummy aches. i still have my period and have been taking alot of midol. they make me not want to eat, which is nice. it helps me not over eat.

i hit the gym hard today. and i had some cereal and a little bit of pizza.

sorry my posts haven't been interesting enough to comment on. i just haven't been feeling well at all.

nothing new

going to the shore monday.
still feel sicky.
mad tired.
gym tomorrow.

:S

why do i feeel soo sick? it JUST started. anyway here's what happened today:
got up at 7:30am , took 3 midols. visited gramma. on way home around 3pm had an apple(60), then took some more midol. when i got home around 4:30pm i had a breakfast bar (110) and some sprinkles (40) total so far 310. then i went to the gym and burned about 350. -350-310= -40 calories. had some fish and collard greens for dinner with 3 slices of bacon. fish= about 120. 3 slices of bacon= 60. greens= 42 total: 222. 222-40= 182. then i had some sprinkles and a little bit of cool whip topping with some more sprinkles. (ifuckinglovesprinkles)that adds up to probably 90 calories. new total 272. and i burn 1300 calories a day just from living so, final total= -1028. HAHA YESSSSSS

so that body wrap shit.. well idk went wrong. we had this recipe for do it at home. i did it. and only lost 2 cm here and there. i guess thats better than nothing. i remember in 8th grade i did it, and i lost INCHES. i guess we'll keep searching for a new/working recipe.

oh today, my mom and i almost brought home a kitten. i named her tibereus (i know a guys name). but we just couldnt afford to have another cat right now. the kitten loved me though. licked my chin and cheek and nose. then she climbed on my head and fell asleep in my arms. i love you tibereus.. <333 :(

copy and paste url in address bar to see her
http://i206.photobucket.com/albums/bb213/pandamanluvah/tibereus.jpg?t=1279935877

nothing new

i don't have much to post about today.
i have my period.
i can't weigh myself.
i only had 2 bowls of captain crunch today for food (an apple too).
i got my midol.
caffeine is good.
going to the gym tomorrow.
visiting family tomorrow. (for like an hour :/)
going to do that body shrink fat and cellulite wrap tomorrow with my mom. (it really works)
eating sprinkles straight up makes my nose bleed into my throat. (weird i know right)
boyfriend and i discovered we like the same book series called Warriors. (i love him)
stayed up till 3am last night(played call of duty with best friend till 2am)
got 8 hours of sleep
cleaned the house.
tired.

//////bored\\\\\\\
\\\\\\.....///////
//////soso.\\\\\\\
\\\\\\bored///////

today...

i've had a pooop load of caffeine. I had midols, red bull, and coffee. Gosh i'm a risk taker. lol. I'm pretty sure caffeine increases metabolism, and since i drink coffee black, and the only real calories i had today were a red bull and some apples, my intake is under 200. i'm prettyy sure that apples are negatives, so i'm doing very well today :D

had a talk with my friend today, we sometimes check up on each others weight loss and boy friends. good news is that she's finally being strict. i always weighed less than her, even at our highests. still weigh less at this gross weight. i'm just happy for her.

i'm going to a wake soon, once my mom gets home. our friends momma died. :(.... well shes in a better place now, i've never met her but i can garuntee she went to purgatory (the place your soul goes to before going to heaven). I'm pretty catholic and i believe all the stuff the Church teaches, unlike some people who pick and choose. and knowing how my friends are (not really all that religious but still believe in God) the mom was probably like that too. I'm just making an assumption, not a judgment.

welll adios amigas

edit**** i had some pizza today but i still kept everything under800 calories.. yeah i know i coulda been a champ and did only 200 cal for today but i woulda over eaten tomorrow. i think i made a good decision actually

k buds.

this is what went down the past 2 days:

i had a little break down and basically repetitively thought "i'm so done with this ana crap. starving then over eating starving then over eating." but then i realized that anorexia doesn't make me do that, i do that. :/

anyway i'm going to the gym in a while when my dad gets home, and im having the first food i had all day (its 3:14pm), a low fat chicken sandwich. i think i might try a raw foods diet. I gotta do some research. i think i saw a show about this guy who switched over to raw foods and in a week or 2 weeks he lost 20 lbs :OOO whaatt. Hell i'll try it. I'll try anything.

on another note: wow i can't believe i have 9 followers!!!!! lol. i've never had followers on any of my blogs. thanks guys

edit**** i didn't have a sandwich because my toast was rock hard. i ended up having some cold chicken on lettuce. it was filling actually. DEEEELIIISSHH

edit edit********* i burned probably 400 calories or more at the gym. more than 300 i know for sure. sausage and rice and some sort of veggie thats like spinach is for dinner. i can have some because i was good today :D.. but not alot. portion control portion control portion control

127.5

woo! i managed to lose all the weight i gained from chocolate in 1 day lol :D

i'm going to the gym this morning for probably around 2 hours. my dad trains me and today is leg exercises. it is so intense you have no idea.

today is my chance to break 127. when i was weighing myself, my mom said i looked skinnier. it made me happy, just a little bit. when i was 113 she said i looked like 100. everyone said i looked like 100.

on my fishing license, the lady put 103 lbs instead of 130. I should get down to 103 so i'm not living a lie.

i'll update this later this afternoon

:l

the body:



what do you think?



and thanks to photobucket i "photoshoped" the picture to what i want my body to look like. i think this is much better

let's try again again again again

Mirando by Ratatat helps lighten my mood so much when I don't feel good about my self, like right now. I feel like i'm in my own world when I play that song. :)

Alrightiioo, so heres's the deal for this morning: I got up at 7:13 am after going to bed at 2:30am. I have to go to my pitching lesson this morning, we're leaving at 8 i think. It really stinks that pitching burns close to no calories even though you put forth a lot of effort.

why i went to bed at 2:30am: I was talking on the phone with my friend (guy). It started off on xbox around 10pm and i switched to phone at 12am. Things just got carried away lol. I read that laughing for 15 mins or so will burn 50 calories, I sure as hell know i was laughing almost the entire time i was on the phone with him. And i also heard that the later you stay up the more calories you burn; and honestly i felt a little tingly in my thighs last night/this morning. idk about anyone else but when i don't eat and my body is using fatfatfat my thighs tingle a bit.

I used to be in such control that the tingling would keep me up at night.

Anyways i guess when i have some free time this afternoon i'll take a before picture, since i ate my self back to the starting line, again. Even though i did, i still feel like i've accomplished gaining SOME control back.

Right now my mom is cooking breakfast for my daddyo and her i guess. It's some sort of scrambled eggs, with cheese probably. Mega unhealthy. I was like 'oh no i'm not hungry, no thanks, i don't want anything.' dads response: 'nothing you sure? okay.' hehehe >:)

and this is for zaq: I did sort of explain my situtation with food with my boyfriend. but he didnt really fully understand. most who dont have this problem wont understand. but he tries :) i never used the word "eating disorder" though.

have a good day :D

uhhggggggggggggggggggggggggggg

So the only thing i ate today was a shit load of chocolate, 2 giant marshmellows, lemonade, and graham crackers. my boyfriend and i made smores (his idea) and i can't control myself when it comes to chocolate..... oooofff... He actualy told me via text that i should eat more chocolate.. wtff are you doing to me boy? my dad said because i ate so much chocolate we're gonna do extra cardio and extra squats at the gym on sun :/makes me feel worse.. I tried to burn it off in the pool but i doubt it made much of a difference. i love chocolate..

I really want dinner.. its pork chops with a delicious rub. no matter what i say on here i'll probably eat some and chocolate too. oh my god i need some one to chain me down to a couch or chair so i can't eat... I'll just get this binge overwith and regroup tomorrow.

i think i'm gonna post a picture of my not so hot bod, so at least i have something to compare to and show progress. good idea or no?

goodnight

i found what works! (for me atleast)

okay so i figured out that if i dont eat in the morning i won't have any desire to eat throughout the day. i'm going to do that all this weekend and see if i cant get to 126 or lower.

i really am sick of bouncing back and forth from 127 to 130.. it suucks.
i ate so much today.. compared to a moderate amount yesterday (some sausage and peppers at dinner time)... I had a super messy pb&j this morning after i ate two apples.. the guilt made me stop eating. then i made dinner, turkey fried rice, and ate 3 bowls. SHIT what was i thinking.. :'(

i think im not gonna weigh myself to sunday morning and inforce the no eating till dinner rule. when i don't eat till dinner i get fuller faster and my mind is more clearer, i can actually recognize if i'm getting out of control and STOP. wow imagine that!

i'm going to bed on a semi-full tummy. meh.i need something to drink too, my mouth is parched.

My boyfriend is comming over tomorrrow. Pros and cons. pros:i'll be with him <3 we'll be in the pool burning cals. cons: eventually he'll get hungry and i'll have to watch him eat, i'll be in a bikini, he's very skinny.

Goood night

ugh

weeeelll i was supposed to fast, but i had to help make dinner around 3. actually i had to make the whole dinner. the sweet smell of suasage wafted into my nostrils and i couldnt take it. i endulged. then i had some ice cream..and a breakfast bar... woe is me woe is me.



i want her body, how thin and dainty she is. thats what i'll have one day.. as for now i have to work on breaking my plateau .

on another note: i've never had followers on my blog before. i've always kinda been talking to my self, i'm glad there is some one here to listen to me and understand for once.

i can't tell if i've gain muscle weight.. I have gained muscle but idk if the weight i gained yesterday was from muscle or fatfatfat

oooff

i was still 127 this morning. ughhh
i went to the gym today
i ate alotta rice thin cakes -18 calories per
i talked to my boyfriend
i played xbox/posted to twitter/checked my tumblr & facebook
i looked in the mirror and felt sad.

going to try to fast tomorrow, again.

Sing my song, puff all night long

yesterday i supposed to fast. And I almost did too.

In the morning my mom was making turkey bacon. In case you think that sounds more healthy than regular bacon, theres 30 more calories per slice than pork bacon. my mom plated me 3 slice - 150calories. i chewed up half of one, hid the chewed up food in my cheek and under my tongue and simply said "i dont like this stuff".. My dad finished my food..

After that we proceeded to go on a hike to a lake in the woods. I found a crap load of fresh water clams and i brought them home with me. I cooked them, tasted one, tasted like shiiit. I was so mad, grabbed 3 tortilla chips and ran out the door. I went to my friends house right after that.

We went on a long walk in the blistering heat, the proceeded to toke up. I was almost completely gone. I had a red bull on the way over to our smoking spot on the train tracks. On the way home we found wild apples and berries. went to town on them babies, almost stole a peach off some guys tree. when we got back to her house i had ice cream with chocolate, lots of chocolate.

And amazingly i weight 127 this morning. WOW and barely ate today :D i hope to be less tomorrow :]]

:(

it seems like starve for 3 days just for one huge massive failure to follow. I don't know what to do with my self. I USED to think i was hefty at 125, but i wish i was that weight now. And when i was 113 i was mortified because i thought i was only 100... :(

Today I am fasting. I might tomorrow too. I don't know. I don't know anything right now except im not eating today. I said alot of prayers to get me through this day of fasting. I already went to the gym today and now i'm going to take a hike + fish with the family.

I'll check back later

10:38

My fear of eating began when my mom told me not to eat too fast or i'll choke. Of course being the child i was, i choked a few times from eating too much too fast. Then I became more aware of what I ate, watching other people..being disgusted.. To this day I can't watch people eat or eat in front of people. If i have to i make sure they are watching me; i'll feel deadly uncomfortable. Then I feared getting FAT.. to late for that now though.

I've been watching videos on youtube these past hours since my last post. actually idek if its been more than 1 hour since i've posted. It's going to take so long to reach my goall.... I basically have 2 months.. 8 weeks.. I can't even break 127 lbs with out binging..

Today i had:
apple - 60
some chips - 120
breakfast bar - 110
red bull - 110
more chips & guacamole- i have no idea.. over 200 probably..
shrimps - probably over 200
2 home made beef cheese burger no bread no cheese no sauces - +200
5 marshmallows- 125

bringing me to a not so grand total of 1125 calories.. woooooo.... im fat..

its been rough:

recap:
lost the weight i gained from the binge
binged again
lost 2 /3 of the lbs igained back
and then today i ate alot and almost binged.


i need to post more. i need to be more strict. i have the will not to eat cookies so im gonna have to the will to not eat.
i really have to try harder. this isnot working for me. i want to get past 127. i will get past that. i will. i will. tomorrow will be a try hard day. it'll break my shell of starve/binge/starve.

today i almost ate a cookie. i grabbed it, crumbled it, and smelt it. Then i dropped it back into the packaging and shut the drawer. i've been having a hard time these past few days.. the will to lose the weight is diminishing and the self pity is almost overwhelming. beautiful/skinny young girls are everywhere. i fell so out of place at the gym.

i might cut out meat all together. just give that crap up. may leave in fish. def no bread and such, no juices, no energy drinks. I need more fruit and i need to eat more veggies. FUN

+3

what did i do to deserve such a terrible struggle? what did we all do to deserve this? i binged yesterday. not because i was hungry but because i was harboring guilt for the past 4 days. i had done something i promised my boyfriend id never ever do again, and when i told him what i did he was disappointed. I can't handle that. i love to please. AND since im an emotional eater i ate all my guilt and sadness.. it didn't even help. that taught me an important lesson, yupp.

today im gonna drink prune juice and take my intestinal supplements. i need to clear out my body from what i put into it last night. then im gonna follow the diet like i should have. seltzer jello fruit, delicious!!!

i can work past this set back. i gained back 3 of the 4.5 so its not like im completely set back, i will do this, i am confident. i'm going to the gym today and after i get off the computer im going to be doing some exercises that i should do everyday im not at the gym

-2.5!

i dropped another 2.5lbs!! yesss im now 127.5 :D i have a head ache though and my eating increased a little, which is very very bad. its from buying all sorts of delicious low cal foods yesterday that have to wait till next weeks diet. boo..

this morning kinda went badly already: 1 mango and 2 rice thins. thats almost 200 calories. and its not even noon. ew. i gotta get my shit together if i wanna lose more weight.

im picking up my boyfriend in about an hour, i usually dont eat around him so thats gonna be good for the rest of my day.

i noticed my weight is coming off my stomach first. i hope it'll start to melt off my hips and thighs and butt soon. i dont wanna be one of those girls whos whole body weight is in their lower body. thats just gross.in another 4 lbs i'll post some pictures :)

-2

i weighed myself and i lost 2 lbs! yess 2 lbs. finally tasting success. maybe tomorrow ill be down another 2 or atleast 1.i hope 5 by friday.

yesterday, i did incredibly well yesterday on my new diet...except i had a homemade cheese burger my mom made. i couldnt resist temptation. gahh. but i still lost 2 lbs! can't help but think maybe -3lbs if i didnt eat it. ah well.

today doing damn good except when i went out to get my gluten free food. i had like 6 rice thins -108 cal and 18 chips- 120.. that's not so bad except my mom grabbed a brownie for me >:( it was 200 and i gave some to her. i already feel the fat increasing on my thighs.. i knida dont even wanna weigh my self tomorrow, because im scared that it'' increse.. anyway i also had 2 table spoons of cereal and jello - 10cal and a mango - 135 ://
at the store i got more tofu and carrots and chick peas for next weeks diet. which will be cereal in the morning and tofu for dinner.

but what am i doing talking about next week> i gotta get through this week. its gonna be hard cuz tomorrow my boy and me are going swimming which burns cals which in turn will make me damn hungry later/the next day.. Jello and seltzer please fill me up

yesterday was pretty shit. i ahd breakfast around 12, it was the usual tofu with some veggies stir fried. but then day went down hill. i ate alot of dinner and then i made rice krispies and basically ate all of them. it's just been a bad 2 days.

this is my diet for the week:
breakfast: prune juice and 10 cal jello
lunch: seltzer
dinner: home made low low low cal soup. basically boiled veggies in beef flavored water (bullion cubes)
*any snacks must be a fruit

i used this diet to form my diet for this week:

Russian Gymnasts diet. :
Breakfast: Glass of either orange or apple juice
Lunch: Fruit Salad (made off kiwi fruit, orange, pineapple, and peeled apples) Glass of fruit juice (from one of the above fruits)
Dinner: Glass of non carbonated water* Green apple


it said anyone following this diet for 5-7 days can lose 4- 11 pounds! wows. im gonna stick to this for the week

did good, switching it up

ive done really well this past week since i started up again. chick peas kept me very full, but gave me terrible bloating and gas, so im switching up my diet. also this is kinda getting boring and i wanna keep going. SO.. right now im searching for a new diet.

i haven't weighed my self because i have my period. screw you period >:(

alright

Okkkay. I'm ready! I'm ready to be good again. I'm ready to float. I'm ready to give up food again. I'm ready to spend shit loads of time devouted to keeping my self away from food. I'm ready to be so committed, when i eat i run up stairs to work out.

Ok? Do you hear me? I am ready.

My diet? I haven’t been on it
i havent been on and it shows in my thighs/hips/ass/stomach.


just fuck you food i hate you i hate cravings i hate how i can't control my self

i always do this to me what the fuck is wrong with me seriously get your shit together.. ughhghfghgfhfghfghfghfgh

i was supposed to be 10 lbs lighter by TODAY. im going to the dr to get a physical im probably 135lbs. the last time i was there i was 123/124.... screw me. screw scales.. screw food.

i don't need this shit. AT ALL. im doing fruit and veg and rice diet. no sweats, no energy drinks, no marshmallows, no breakfast bars, no cereal, nothing but fruits vegs and rice. no meat, no sauces, no peanut butter. i can do this. ill make rice for me later. after i hear the devistating number on the scale at the drs.

woooo... bye

Mehh

i've put on muscle pounds, but i can still fit into my 0 jean shorts. I dont really feel that comfortable though. i didnt write at all yesterday and i did so bad. im snacking on cherries right now, and then im going swimming later with my friend who used to share my ed with me. we don't go to the same school anymore, we both had gained weight. I stayed more lean and she gained the fat. Don't get me wrong, i gained fat too, but i still look better.

we're going swimming, i plan on eating a light meal later so i dont go crazy tomorrow and eat EVERYTHING. plus im going to the gym tomorrow. i'm trying hard. i hope you are too

Wintergirls

I've been reading wintergirls, and I read up to page 89 last night. I can't stop reading that book, oh man. It's so good.

The body wrap thing: I only had half the ingredients so, it didn't really work :(. My mom has a recipe for it that the celebs use. It's magnesium and potassium in hot water. As apposed to the 42 other things that the internet said.



Going to the gym. Gonna fast. Be back later :)

Body wrapping?

I remember doing a body wrap a few years ago and being shocked. I think I'm going to do one today, tomorrow, and Monday. They are supposed to help you lose inches and fat. That's what I need right now. I fucking binged. On cookies! They aren't even taste good, and I'm allergic. ughghghhghghghghghghhhh...



I'll post back to update on how the body wrapping went.

The past few days..

Two days after I did not writing in my journal or on here I was going well. Then the next two days I did terrible. I noticed I wanted food at lunch and instead of buying a water I bought juice, which was an incredible waste of money. I'm still on my period, so, I am not going to weigh my self till next week. I do look like I have lost weight, in my stomach at least. I didn't look at my thighs this morning though. I still have the ugly round bump in my stomach. So instead of being straight and sex, it's like 'oh, you should get rid of that, go on a diet.'

I believe that my calves have gotten smaller from going to the gym, and I can lift more too :D! It's been a reasonably okay two weeks, despite the two days of failure.

This weekend I'm only going to the gym once, on Sunday. I need to eat as little as possible to lose weight. Only 21 more days, weekend included, till the last day of school. I can lose this weight, I know I can. I've done it before. I need to keep busy, and drink lots of water, eat fruit, and take my vitamins.

Have a great day :)

Its almost been twoo weeks..

Since I began to work out 3 times a week with my dad. I'm very much enjoying it. I can feel my self getting stronger. I really am feeling like I don't need to eat as soon as I get home. And despite not having enough time to write down my goals for today, I did pretty well. (I over slept by an hour)

At lunch, I was staring down my weakness, cookies and icing. It was my friends birthday, and the cookies were small. I had 3, and 4 spoon fulls of frosting. 300 for frosting, and 255 for 3 cookies. and -200 on cardio at the gym about 169 lifting., so it is like ive only eaten 190 calories today.

I am pretty sure I lost weight between yesterday and this morning, at least 1 pound. I can see and feel it. But I would weigh myself, except that I have my period. GRRRRR! Well, midol helps reduce my appetite with all the caffeine it has in it. I'm not gonna lie, I am feeling hungry, and I might have something light to eat, or maybe not, not sure.

I've got a poster to do for biology, so I will most likely grab something after wards, or have a little peanut butter while I make my dads lunch.

Hmmm, I can do this :)

Hey hi hello

I think I've had 4? blogs in the past, any way long story short, I became paranoid that my mother could find them, and I deleted them.
I also keep a short daily journal where i keep my eating/fitness goals for the day.
Where it all began:
• 5th, 6th, and beginning of 7th grade, I was rapidly gaining weight. It was distributing grossly and unattractively throughout my body. My friend and I used to say "I don't care how much I weight, as long as it's muscle." HAHA, how naive when i was young.
• I suppose around the middle of 7th grade year I cut out junk food. I lost, I guess, about 7 pounds? Bringing me to 132lbs. Then just cutting out junk food was not enough.
• I heard my friends talking about how their one friend, Krista, was so skinny. I opened up my ear and listened closer. "Yeah it's 'cuz she eats like 300 calories a day."
• That night, I did research, and my mind was altered, Forever. I was exposed to all the idea "Eat little, weigh little." And so I began reading labels and accompanying my mother to the grocery store, making "healthy" food suggestions.
• By the time 8th grade rolled 'round, my friend and I were completely prepared to do "this". 'This' meaning, restriction. Giving myself to what I did not know was an eating disorder. I started somewhat high, getting lower, lower, lower. The pounds dropped, and i began weighing less, and less, and less. I became so good, I didn't have to count calories anymore. I knew what to eat every day, what not to eat, and what I could. The last time I weighed my self I was 107.
• I know my weight continued to drop, though, because I could see a difference in the mirror. I was afraid if I weighed my self I'd feel accomplished, happy, and deserving to eat. So i didn't weigh myself till Feb 2009, when I had to give exact weight for anesthetic (I had surgery.) -113
• After surgery, my weight climbed. (Of course after throwing up a few times a few hours after said surgery.)
• 2 months left of freshman year. 122 lbs. Nearly, bawling my eyes out everyday, not having the motivation to lose the weight.
• Over the summer, gaining and losing 4-6 lbs, never breaking 130 or 120.
• Soph year, this year, gained about 10 lbs. Now, currently, 132 lbs.
My eating habits? Well, they are 'varied'. I'll binge, never purge, anymore at least, then I'll starve, then I'll eat very healthy, then not so much, and then binge again. I hate this. Why can't I just get my head in there like before. Like I've said, I keep a daily journal for goals and what I'm going to do today. Most days, I barely accomplish what I want.
I try to fast. The longest I've fasted was 2 and a half days. Friday, I almost fasted completely, losing 4 pounds. Only to gain 5 more the next day through binging. Then between Sunday and Monday, I've lost 1 pound.
There's 16 days left of school, by then I HAVE TO LOSE 16 pounds or more. This weekend I'm going to a memorial day party, Friday I have to buy a bathing suit. The last thing I want to buy is a bathing suit, to show case my blobous, giggling, fat body to everyone. But I'm trying, trying, and crying. If I'm so sick of my body, why can't I lose the weight? Because I need support.

I was supposed to Fast today, but Here;s what I ate according to Calorie King.
2 4" links of sausage - 88 calories
1 mando drink - 20 calories
cool whip - 150
6 starbursts - 120
and 1 apple - 60 calories

418 calories all together, give or take. Skipping dinner today, because, well, I feel completely terrible and fat after eating that when I was supposed to fast. I can try again tomorrow.
I won't be home much tomorrow, I'm going to the gym. I go three times a week, and pitch for 30 mins once or twice a week, starting last Sunday. My dad is going to order once of those intense work out dvds, "GET RIPPED IN 90 DAYS!" All this 'training' is for softball next year, so I can make varsity. But I'm taking advantage of this blessing. Quality and exercise time :).