fasting for the love of Thin.

so im fasting today and there's only about 5 more hours left of the day. i feel pretty good so far, and yes, hungry.

i'm not sure if im gonna fast tomorrow, it was not the plan but i realized today in the shower that if i really wanna have the body i want, i must kick my ass in gear. if i was be in the low 120s by Christmas (my bday as well), i gotta work it. if i wanna be under 120 by Softball season (i want the other girls to be jealous like how i was), i have to work even harder. and if i want to be 110 or less by summer, oh my gosh i have to work.

yesterday i was 130. by tomorrow i hope im 128 or 127. if im not i will fast again. in fact i might fast till im 125 or 124. gosh its going to be hard, especially since my dad ate all my protein mix. :'(

also today i realized that i'm not as good of a person as i thought i was. i went to confession and to remember most of my sins i had to write them down. there wasn't alot but they were kinda bad, or at least i was ashamed of them :( and in the end i forgot about a sin so i felt guilty about that all day. and then i ended up lieing a few times later and iwas mad at myself for not even staying "sin free" for like an hour. geez.

size wise i can "fit" into a size 1. not comfy and i can't really sit. meh. i know i have to be under 113 to fit in my favorite pair of jeans, Hollister size 1. Those jeans are my white whale, and i need to conquer them.

i hope i can do it. actually i know i can do it.

much needed thinspo

:(

idk whats up with me.
i don't know what i want; well actually i know what i want i just cant have it and this very moment.
i want my car from my gramma right now, not whenever she decides to actually give it to me. i want to be fucking skinny {don't we all?}. i want summer to be here so i go on my vacation and when i come back i'll have my job {another excuse to get out of my kitchen}. i want money to 'enjoy myself' with substances that may or may not be psychedelic.

abc is not working for me. idk why but it just ain't. excuse my grammar, please. i need to adopt regular fasting into my life. im going to start doing it every monday, starting this monday. i can't worry about calories anymore, i'm too care free these days. i need to prepare "snacks" and "meals" so that i can just grab them, eat them, and feel like i don't need to eat more. bananas, water, sprouted lentils, rice cakes, more water, home made veggie soup if needed. yup thats the plan. so fuck off abc diet.

i'm seeing my friend tomorrow. we are like ana buddies except she doesn't have an ed, or atleast i don't think she does. we went to grade school together and i'm going to her dads bday party tomorrow, 2-6. it should be fun, but i know what she's gonna ask, "were you good yesterday?", "how's your diet?". shit like that. and of course i'm going to be honest and say "no i was not. dieting is not the only thing on my mind right now. i have other concerns like my addiction problems and school work." i can't be perfect......

i need some sort of diet pill or some shit like that to help jump start my loss. no $$$$

i'll try to post more.

abc 123

the first 3 days of abc were okay. i can see a difference in my tummy :)

today is 300 and i already ate my max :/ fuck me

i'll comment on everyones blog when i get home for school

hello

a recap:

2 weeks before my surgery i ate completely raw. my weight was 126.5.
1 week before surgery i binged and binged. my weight is 132.

present day:
Sunday.

i had surgery a few days ago. the lack of desire to eat from my Vicodin has been setting in. i can't really finish what i have on my plate.

I can feel my self becoming addicted to these pills again. i don't like having to take them. when i do take them i feel "mentally challenger". fuck it, i feel retarded when i have a Vicodin. it puts a dunce cap over my brain and i can't function.


I've been wanting to come back to you all for quite some time now. i miss blogging, i miss weighing in. i miss having control. BLAH BLAH BLAH i miss being skinny.

i wanna do the abc, but everyone seem to fail that. i've tried it, i've failed it. i've failed it hard.

all i know is that i have to diet. i need to be the trophy girlfriend. i need to be that beautiful girl i used to be. and damn it, when i go on vacation this summer coming up i dont wanna feel self conscious.

i'm dying my hair lighter too. i wanna be the light airy little swedish girl i'm supposed to be. i don't like my hair dark. it makes me feel ugly.